thoughts from serventhood

Grease

2005-11-13T17:06:00.000-08:00

Today I took Anna to see Grease at Concordia college. We went early and got front row center seats. They were fantastic and anna had a fabulas time. They radio show host Vince came by and danced for her in the beginning and even gave her his autograph. Then in the second part he pulled her onto the floor and danced with her. They put her in the spot light for like five minutes and she was the whole show at that moment. She was elated and i can't remember when i had such a great time. This is the type of thing i've dreamed of since i learned that i was pregnant with her. Babies are cute but i have nothing but frustration with them. Anna is just getting to the point when i can really enjoy her. The performance was unbelieveable by the way and for everyone who missed it i am sincerely sorry.

Seeing this show though reminded me of how much i sometimes miss being young and crazy. I feel so often like a fashion model stuck inside a 400 pound body (like i just don't belong where i am). I am still a crazy, wild, daredevil, searching teenager with the world laid out at my feet- but i'm stuck inside the tempered responsible everyday humdrum of a mother and wife. I need to get out and be a little crazy sometimes- do something a little wild. The passion inside me threatens to escape and explode- often in pure irritation- at the injustice of being stuck in this role that i have been given. I love my family but i have the heart of a gypsie and it so often wanders to thoughts of where else i could be. Lenny often tells me that being happy is wanting what you already have- it's true but in some ways it is far easier said than done. I am so rebellious and i wonder why the Lord made me that way.

volunteers?

2005-10-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, i know at least a few of my friends read this blog and if you are reading this i am seriously asking for your help. I am going to host a halloween party for anna's entire kindergarten class. Please dont laugh, i'm looking forward to it more than anything. The thing is that for some reason or other i am at an all time energy low at the moment (hopefully my next physical can shed some light on that) and i would really appreciate some help to pull it off. The party will be october 29th from 5-8 pm. If you have any interest at all in helping me in this endeavour please let me know, it would be hugely appreciated.

Paladin of Souls

2005-09-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

Drew gave me a new book. It is kindof a sequal to The curse of Challion and it speaks directly to my soul. I have barely begun to work my way through it yet i am already transported to a different realm. In the beginning a woman has been freed from all her former required duties as ruler, daughter, mother, ect. and she departs on a journey to free herself from the last vestiges of a life that she despises. At one point it describes her realization that she doesn't even know what kind of hairstyle she preferrs for herself because it has been goverened by someone else for so long. The freedom of simply doing things in her own way is intoxicating. This is a story line that grips my soul. Understand that i know that i have a life full to overflowing with blessings that i am ever thankful for, and that it is simply human nature to desire to be something different than what we are. But being a parent, and even a wife, can sometimes feel like a trap. One that i desire desperatly to break free from and discover who i would be if i were not already molded into this person that i am now. Please understand that i do not wish that i had made different choices, just that my searching heart wonders if this was always who i was supposed to be or if there were different options in the beginning. In other words, am i what god had planned for or does his plan evolve around who i have become? I just desire to know because i also wish i knew what the next step will be? WIll i simply be a wife and mother for ages or will i be something more as well? And later, if all my obligations are fulfilled to my family what will i be then? Do i simply continue down the road or will i have opportunity to be something even more than i can imagine? I love this book because it searches me as i search it, and i long to know the answers i will find.

miss me?

2005-08-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

blame it on drew! Last tuesday he gave me a book called The Curse Of Challion to read. Not really kmowing what to expect i opened it out of pure curiosity, mostly as to whether he had chosen something i would enjoy. Boy did he have me pegged accurately, and very few people i know would have scored there! Five minutes and a good ten pages into the book i was hooked. Every turn is riviting and if you have any feelings at all you're instantly entranced. I cannot begin to put into words the complex questions raised here about religion and spiritual matters. It was a challenge and a delight and a debate all at once. Somehow this book is a study of theology, romance, battle tactics, politics, and honor and loyalty all at once, and it is fabulas! Alas, my complete and utter immersion through to it's finish has kept me from writing this last week though i had much to say. In brief review for now, the camping trip was a delightful success, if you can forgive the train running through the campground every 2 hours all night long. Really though the company and immediate surroundings were both pleasurable. My trip to the fair with len turned out to be quite nice, and i discovered a dairy free ice cream!!!!!!! It was absolutely fantastic and i have never been in greater extasy over food. Of all the things i desperatly miss eating it would definitly be ice cream. I plan to eat a ton of it next saturday. But the best thing to happen to me this week is definitly my new puppy! I have waited for so long to have this puppy and finally she is here! On friday we adopted Leila from the humane society. She's 11 weeks old, a terrier mix, and very sweet. My parents helped make her adoption possible and both anna and i are very grateful. They also donated a crate for her to sleep in and a leash and blanket and puppy book. They have truely blessed our lives this week in a very special way. Leila is wonderful and my heart is joyful to finally have my dog. In other news, i have my first deepcleaning session at the dentists on thursday morning and i'm terrified. I have nightmares about it in which it turns into a torture session and i am alone and wondering where my body guards went, and why they would dessert me. I hate the dentists office and this promises to be just like the last time: terribly painful and with no respite due to the cruel trick of being completely immune to novacain. I hate this and worse, i have to go there all alone. please pray that i'll stop feeling so nervous that it makes me want to throw up and cry. I don't know how i'm going to survive four appointments and the surgery to have my wisdom teeth out. the fear and lonliness is nearly unbearable.

suddenly busy

2005-08-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

all my friends are now winding down from a busy summer, However it seems that we are winding up! Our trip last weekend, the camping trip in a few days followed by the state fair, back to school preparation, and the hope of a last minute weekend camping trip to duluth when the colors start to change not to mention my favorite time of year beginning just around the corner all lead to the busy time of year for us . We have spent a lazy summer- even considering house stuff, and are now on to the involved stuff. Plus we really need to insulate our attic very soon. This is soon to be the best part of the year for me and the nip in the air delights me in the morning. I adore the fair and even as that ends we roll into preparation for apple picking, fall activities, halloween parties, and after that it snowballs quickly to thanksgiving and then - the crowning glory of each year- christmas. To know i'm getting closer and closer makes my heart sing. I love fall parties with their delicious breezes, bright colors and irresistable smells. The smells of sweat and sunscreen give way to the everpresent smell of cinnamon and leaves and if i could choose a perfect perfume for myself, thats what it would smell like. I have been watching my children this morning and thinking that part of the reason i love them so much is that they enhance all of those celebrations for me. I adore them because they give me a reason to enjoy and relive all the things i loved as a child. Taking them to duluth last weekend was just one example of that for me. They remind me of what i used to be like, and it's a nice memory. It is my greatest happiness to delight them and the fall and winter holidays are prime times to do it! Anyway, enough rambling for now.the weather is lovely and it's time to get outside and play!

2005-08-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

See that smile on my face? Thats how i felt all weekend. I cried when we had to leave but i soon turned my thoughts to the future and let the past flow behind me as a sweet sweet memory. The huge hugs waiting for me were more important even than a wish for more time alone. It was a wonderful weekend and though it makes me long to plan another escape it also makes me joyful to be back with my beloved children. Once home with them we all ended up snuggled together on my bed and it was pure bliss to me, different than the time spent with my husband, but all the same, music to my soul. Nana said the kids did great. They never cried ( with the exception of the baby of course!) and she really enjoyed the time with them. Anna did get sick and in that respect was pretty miserable all weekend, she still is actually. But mom said she was a real trooper and enjoyed herself despite all that. She is always so brave. I cuddled her like crazy at home, and i intend to continue. She loved her seagull feather that i brought her and she thought the pictures of the sail boats were awesome. Noah adored the thomas pictures and the movie we shot as well. Lexi was a pure brat crying for nana even as i took her home. Mom assured me that she had spent the whole morning calling for me! Boy is she a little trouble. My dad says she's like a constant show, always doing something hillarious, and i'm glad he got to enjoy her for a while because he doesn't often get that. Anyway, here i am home and i'll post more pictures tomorrow but for now if you're after the pics check out lens blog. Sleep well everyone.

relaxing

2005-08-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

I am watching yet another gigantic ore boat in an incredible sunset enhanced by music from blues fest floating over the water to my ears. You can hear and enjoy it almost everywhere. My horrible cold has been slowly subsiding and i am having the best time ever. Our room is fantastic, outfitted with every luxiourious touch, a double whirlpool, and our own personal sunroom complete with a fireplace. If it gets as chilly as it's supposed to we'll try it out later tonight. We rode on the harbor cruise and walked every peaceful and romantic place possible. In another hour we'll be off to see the Aliens of the deep film at the omnimax. We even saw Thomas the Tank Engine on the railroad tracks! You can bet we took great pictures for noah and anna!! In all seriousness tho, there is no more beautiful and relaxing place in the world than the northshore, and so close to our home. I could stay here forver enjoying the scenery, and the man i adore. Also, the music has been exemplary (thanks to Eric!) and every moment is one that i wish could last forever. The weather here is perfect, cool but sundrenched and i could not have asked for anything else. I wish you could all be as peaceful as we are now. God bless.

just a few hours left

2005-08-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

till we leave!!! We're packed and set to go so we can get off quickly in the morning. Here's the kicker-i have the worst head cold i've ever had. I cannot breathe no matter what i take for it and i have succumed to useing Vicks simply because the childhood remedy psychologically makes me feel better. Dear God i hope i can sleep this off tonight. Last night i didn't sleep a wink because of terrible sinus pressure. I also have to pray that i don't wake up to discover all three of my children miserable, that will make me feel awfully guilty leaving them. I know i don't say it alot, mostly because i'm trying not to think about it, but i am going to miss them terribly. I'm praying every night that they will be happy while i'm gone and not be too sad without us. Also that i can try to keep from thinking, and talking, about them every five minutes. It's good to go but oh so hard to leave.

loved the bible study

2005-08-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Actually "Life group" is the term i was searching for earlier. Drew and Sherry's Life Group rocks! We had an awesome time tonight enjoying both fellowship and teaching in a great setting. Our kids fared fairly well and a note to God: thankyou for creating Micah to be the be all and end all of child watchers! He really was great and it matters a great deal to me that the first night went well because it proves to me that we can continue to enjoy this rich blessing. I really did have a great time, and drew really is a great cook! Also thanks to Sarah for the awesome salad, i could eat that anytime. Also cool to know that Sues birthday is just a few days after mine, noah really loved the cake (or at least the frosting). Starting with discernment was a really great jumping off point guys, good choice. Anyway what a good night, can't wait for next week, except that i wish the weekend would go on forever of course! Two more days!!!!!!!!!!

only tuesday

2005-08-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

How can it still only be tuesday? Could the week possibly go any slower? No doubt the weekend will be over before i can blink an eye but the week leading up to it is fricken forever. Yesterday i scrubbed my whole house clean and i'm hoping to carpet scrub tomorrow so it will really look great when we come home- and in case my kids have to sleep in their own beds while nana has them. Hopefully they'll be okay there but i'm going to leave her house keys either way. yesterday we had dinner at grandma peepers house and helped Mabel with her computer while we were there. Tonight we're off to Drew and Sherry's for the start of our new bible study type group. It's called Living a Messy Life- which is perfect for me! I'm wondering how my kids are going to handle it. I guess we'll just have to see. Tomorrow night i'm going to take care of most of the packing and thursday night i think we'd better have family night and turn in early. We're going to drop off the kiddo's early on friday so we can have lunch at Picwic in Duluth. It's my favorite restaurant ever and I can hardly wait. Right now the weather forcast for the weekend is terrible- it just figures- so if you've got room in your prayer time, pray for sunshine and outdoor type weather for us, will you?- we were kind of looking forward to it. By the way, if you havn't seen my pictures yet check out my previous post, it's well worth the look!

must see pictures!!

2005-08-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today we woke up and decided to drive to duluth on a whim. My family used to do this all the time but our kids are only just now becoming old enough to make it worth the trip. Oh my goodness was it the perfect day. The weather was fantastic, warm but with a strong lake breeze blowing in, and everything was perfect. We started by hanging out at canal park and eating lunch since it was 11:30 by the time we got there and the kiddo's, who survived the car ride with zero complaining may i add, needed to run around! We walked down to the small lift bridge and back and had cotton candy and hawaiian shaved ice and popcorn. After a few hours we drove out to brighton rock beach and had a perfectly luscious afternoon climbing rocks and letting the kids play in the water. Like true Geragi's they didn't mind the frigid lake Superior water a bit. Even Lexi just jumped right in. It was also hot enough that the dry rocks warm you as soon as you sit on them, a feeling from my childhood that i had long forgotten. My children remind me how wonderful my childhood truely was again and again. Later we drove back into town and over the bridge just to drive over it and then proceeded to grandma's for dinner. We ate on the outdoor balcony and watched the Walter J. Mcarthy ( a 1000 ft. ore boat) leave the harbor through the canal. It was a perfect view. Then we walked down to the park and rented a four person bike with a canopy and pedaled all the kids around in it. It had this cute little basket seat on the front for Lexi and Noah to sit in and we spent an hour riding all over canal park in it. The kids just loved it and it was a peaceful way to spend some time. After that it was just after 8 pm and we started for home with three soon asleep children in the car. Driving home in a lovely sunset with good music (my favorite christian music station is based in duluth) was a great end to the day. Now as i sit here at 11 pm i am looking at lens awesome pictures from the day and thinking that , as a russian lady len talked to today put it, we are rich with children. We truely are blessed, and this is one of those days that just drives the message home to me. Today I put aside my worldly cares and just enjoyed my children and Gods fantastic creation and every minute of it was worth more money than the world has to offer.

Anna enjoying the spray of crashing waves- the mood that Lake Superior is famous for!

Noah can get all the way into this little rock cave, i'd pay billions for that smile!!

This is inspired by a photo in Craig Blacklocks A Voice Within of his wife and daughter. It's the last of a series of nudes (Honey Blacklock) on lake Superior and if you've never seen the book you may visit it at my house. The photos are amazing and exqusite. I particularly fell in love with this one (warning, its an artistic nude) and the free joy of it. To my delight it came to life in my own daughter and her delight at being held up high in the lakes fresh breeze. It was my favorite moment of the day.

one week!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Till len and i escape from our lives to a coushy little bed and breakfast for two whole nights! I can not wait, I Can Not Wait, I CAN NOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, this is what it's been like in my life for the past 5 years. I have now waited through financial stress, 3 babies, 1 miscarriage, the death of my best friend, four moves in 5 years, 2 years in the most terrifying neighborhood ever, an attempted break in while showering, the deaths of both my and lens childhood dogs, the death of lens uncle, my grandpa's stroke, and moving into my mother-in-laws house ( which no matter how good a relationship you have this is extreamly dangerous and delicate). I need a break with my husband and believe me, we can feel it. We slept apart from eachother while we were both home the other night for the first time since we were married, and though the fight is mostly mended we each know that the desperation to be alone together is getting dangerous. Thank God our escape is almost here.

In America

2005-08-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen this movie? It was a birthday present from chris and last night len and i watched it. It is beguiling and bewitching, honest and heartwrenching, and i loved it. If you havn't seen it, pull out a tissue and immerse yourself. Be prepared to ride an emotional rollercoaster through the whiplash of real life as told through the eyes of a child. See how much we adults have to learn from the pure love and goodness of a child. Then at the end when you're telling yourself it's just a movie as a way to hold back your tears, read the credits and see the truth with your own eyes. There is no story more compelling than the one that is true.

wow

2005-07-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

God has a twisted sense of humor. Yesterday was my housewarming party and boy did i feel terrible. my stomach has had issues ever since i had alex and somedays are miserable. All i could think about was going back to bed. If len hadn't jumped in and done a ton of the work for me there is no way i'd ever have been ready in time. Not alot of people came but the ones that did were our closest friends and i enjoyed their company. Despite being too miserable to eat anything all day i did have a fairly good time. Far more importantly all the kiddos had a great time which was the goal in the first place. The spin a paint worked like a charm, we painted faces, made balloon animals, broke the stuffed piniata, gave out tons of beads and delighted them with a huge outdoor movie. Everyone of them had an awesome time, so i definitly succeeded. At the end of the night while the kids finished their movie andrew and i had a pleasant couple of games of mille bourne out on the porch which i very much enjoyed. I have missed his company. By the time we got cleaned up and went to bed it was oh so late and i could barely stay awake long enough to rinse off in the tub. I woke up miserable all over again and am just now beginning to recover. A lovely birthday dinner at ciatti's with my inlaws and a pleasant evening walk at como lake went a long way to making me feel better. Really though, i adore entertaining these kids more than anything. I am already planning a halloween party for the saturday before halloween. We'll stuff scarecrows, carve pumpkins, eat yummy treats, and watch poohs heffalump halloween movie. I even have a package of the glow necklaces from last night left. All kids are invited! Nothing makes me happier than a party. Len says he wishes he'd win the lottery so i could host the ultimate party! That's a nice little fantasy isn't it! Thanks to all the sweet people who came here yesterday and warmed my home and my life with their presence. I truely love you all.

fresh and delightful

2005-07-27T17:44:00.000-07:00

The university is now hosting a farmers market over lunch on wednesdays. The kids and i met len there today to explore it. It's a pretty walk over and the fresh produce looks great. We bought some corn, cucumbers, onions, and best of all FLOWERS! It was fun and also a great way to break up the day. Then i spent the whole afternoon weeding out the patch of bushes i'm trying to kill in my yard and sawing them off to ground level. Len is currently trying to put up the divider fence because of my new hope for this strange little patch of land behind my garage. I'm hoping to turn it into a neighborhood childrens garden in the spring! It's the perfect thing to keep me, and the already plentiful kids busy, plus i'm hoping to flyer the neighborhood and gather more kids. Eventually if it works out i could start a regular summer story hour there, and of course the kids could all help in keeping the garden well taken care of. It's easily accessed from the alley by the gate, blocked off neatly from the rest of our yard by the divider fence, and despertly needs revamping. I'm hoping Patty can help me choose easy to grow, low maintenance plants that are both fragrant and colorful. Also, i am hoping to plant butterfly attractors and stuff that will flower all season. I'm sure part will be perrennial but i want alot of annuals so the kids can have something fun to do every spring. It sounds fun doesn't it? Now that i've thought it up i can hardly wait to get started. Let me just say that the clean up process is well under way already. What do you guys think? Will it work? I'd love everyones opinion.

luxury

2005-07-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

I picked anna and len up on sunday- joyful day! Monday was wonderful. len had taken the day off to catch up after camp and it was good that he did. I spent the day ravaged by cramps (the creator hates us women ) and i was so grateful for the extra pair of hands. Despite my discomfort though i had a good day. We shopped for my party- everyone coming??? Saturday, 3 pm on, potluck- and then spent a wonderful afternoon on my porch playing mille bourne together. I had a great time. I had forgotten how much i liked that game and our kids were fried from the weekend and they rested and watched movies most of the afternoon, leaving us peacefully playing our games with few interruptions. I lavished in the luxury of sharing my time with my sweet family all afternoon. Today he was back to work but the weather was fantastic. I got alot of cleaning done for my party and began to plan what else i need, it was a good day and i made great bbq chicken for supper on the grill- all by myself! (no boys around to grill for me) and i did great on my own. It cooked quickly without burning and it was nummy. Sorry eric- i maent to invite you but i forgot till we were already eating! Tomorrow i'm gonna check out the farmers market at the u over lunch with len, it's supposed to be wildly popular and it sounds fun. Anyway, i'm basking in the glow of a relativly peaceful time in my life, spent with the family i adore, and it's been a long time coming. I wish you all could feel the same, God bless.

saturday night

2005-07-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

It was a good day but very full, remind me to tell you about the hurricane, and the fall, and peekboo, and are you gapa? and the dragon and the raspberries.

my favorite part of the day was lexi playing herehecomes with grandpa, or noah making dragon fire breathing noises or stealing the raspberries out from nanas tray.

i miss you so much i ache inside and i have to fight these tears.

16 hours left.

only half

2005-07-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

tonight i am only half of me. The other half of me is still at camp omega where i just dropped len ( and anna) off at kindercamp. I hate to be away from him. I've done rather well i think, considering this is the third time this summer that we've been apart all weekend and i managed not to sob my way through either of those weekends. Tonight was a little harder though- i took him to the place that we share most deeply together and i had to leave without him. I know that most people think it would be difficult to determine their favorite day of their life, but i know mine- and i have since the day it happened. If ever i am in a coma that's where i'll be, back on that beautiful day. It was a perfect day, sunny yet breezy, exquisite. We were at camp alone together planning our wedding ceremony. We spent the day pacing off the walkway, taking pictures for our parents, and talking logistics with the camp leaders. Then we simply walked all over camp peacefully together. Len caught a huge toad for me in the meadow and i laughed till i burst watching the thing keep wriggling out his hands and getting scooped up again. The day was perfect and just thinking about it makes me ache to return to it, even just for a moment. It was my own personal heaven. Every time I'm there i'm reminded how lucky i am. I know it sounds silly but that was the very best day of my life hands down- no contest. I miss him when he's there without me. He insists that next year when noah goes, i be the one to go to camp with him, and i'm sure that he's right. I have missed it, but then i'll be sorry to watch him drive away and my other half will be in the city while i'm at camp. I'll miss him like crazy either way. Anyway, i have to go put the other two kiddo's to bed so we can be up for the farmers market in the morning. Also incase eric is reading this from home- congratulations to little alex who is to be baptised this sunday!

just curious:
Anyone else know for certain what the best day of their life has been?

feeling fried

2005-07-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Some days i just can't find my energy. There are a thousand things i should probably get done today but i just can't will myself to do them somehow. i put all 3 kids in the wagon and walked to jo-anne fabrics today- they had their 70% off sale and we wanted to make state fair gogies (family word for blankets). We did pretty well for fabrics but we didn't find any with merry go rounds or carnival rides printed on it. Though i don't care ,that would be anna and noah's favorite part! We did however find prints with fireworks, cows, john deer tractors, apples, christmas trees, fresh veggi's and canned goods, and chickens and roosters! yes, i do know that i'm crazy. Ah well Now that i'm back home tho i'm just exausted. I was up kind of late last night watching movies with len. We watched The Business of Strangers which i hated and sat through only because i wanted to be near my husband, but we followed it up with The Prince and Me which is a romantic little ditty featuring Julia Styles that i particularly adore. Girly of me i know, but i can't help loving an amusing romance that even has a somewhat believeable ending. I'm missing len today and i hate knowing he'll be gone at camp with anna but i'm going to drive them there friday and pick them up sunday so really it's only saturday i have to live without him. For some reason i feel like we've spent alot of time apart recently. I can hardly wait for our trip in august. Just thinking about it lifts my spirits. Back to my lake!!!! and with the one person i can't stand to be without. I'm going to miss my kids like madd of course but they'll be safe and most likely happy with nana all weekend. They adore her so i'm not too worried. anyway, i should get back to my kiddo's.

when it doesn't flow

2005-07-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

today was kind of a mess. too hot, cranky kids,my phone bit the dust for no apparent reason and they won't replace it, had to scrape the garage before we repaint it for the stupid insurance deal, spent more money than i wanted to on that, got behind in my housecleaning, the kids got muddy feet on the carpets i just spent 8 hrs in the blistering heat scrubbing, and i had to completely re-arrange the girls room in order to get a fan in the window because its insufferably hot in there. It ended up with alex moving to the toddler bed and a complete rearrangement of their room.I feel behind in finances, housework, relationships ( especially with my husband who must be sick of my grouchy mood by now), groceries, and yard work. I guess that kind of covers it all huh? So tonight i invited eric to dinner and we cooked out steaks, and now that the kids are down- and yes, lexi went right to sleep in her new bed both at nap time and bedtime today- we are preparing to watch lethal weapon 3 and 4 drenched in the fan and breeze on my luscious front porch. I remembered the sparkling cider. I guess i'll just chill out and wait for the sun to rise again tomorrow, meanwhile i'll do my best not to bite anyone. It didn't flow today- at all- but that just makes it all the more likely that tomorrow will be a better day. I'll bet God was amused with me today, being so worrisome and grouchy. If i was Him I would be.

hot

2005-07-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

today i would do anything to feel the sea breeze in my hair.in fact, any breeze would be nice. it was a long walk to the library today but the juggling magician was well worth it. the mixture of airconditioning and laughter really satisfies. Now i've got half the neighborhood playing in my pool in the shade of my front yard- and no one is cold! welcome to july. how my mother survived being pregnant with me all the way to the 29th is truely astounding. i would have surely died. well, i'm on my porch with a fan blowing on my face so i guess i'll stop complaining. At elast it gets cool enough to sleep at night and thats the most important thing. This is the time of year that makes me dream of fall though. Apple picking and pumpkin pie sound unbelieveably good at the moment. Ah well, eventually i'll be freezing and missing this heat so maybe i'd better enjoy what i've got. Is the a country or state anywhere that has permanenet fall weather??!! oh well, i wasn't really ever going to move again anyway!

a blossoming flower

2005-07-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

i think you all know the challenges i face daily trying to raise my precocious and "excited", as she herself puts it, five year old.I am sure that there are many more of you out there facing the same challenges. I'm also sure that some of you are great teachers. I, however, am not. I am not insulting myself but simply pointing out the truth of the matter. To this end i have begun to realize that it is important for me to surround my children with learning opportunities not always guided by me.Having said that, let me begin. We live next door to a piano teacher now and i had asked if he would be willing to give anna lessons. She's very quick to learn and is always playing with our piano. She was delighted with the idea and Steve agreed to give her a trial lesson to see if she was ready. That was today. Let me just say that it truely was a success. Steve was great at teaching at her level, and redirecting her chattering back to the lesson ( and you all know how anna can talk your ear off!). She comprehended everything he was telling her and easily took his directions. The really great part was how proud of herself she was! Steve was fantastic at praising her successes and she glowed under his attention. I had such a good time listening in from the front porch, and steve thought we should just go ahead and see where this takes us. I have no delusions of grandure- no hopes of watching her play at carnagie hall or anything- but i delighted to offer her the chance to enjoy something as wonderful as music. I really want to be able to encourage her in her endeavors and this is something that really interests her. Anyway, the point is that this was a great part of my day- not because she did something that i wanted her to, but because she did something that she wanted to, and it was successful. Fun to watch your little buds start to bloom isn't it?

summer makes a writer of me

2005-07-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

In summer i dream of water- oceans and oceans of water, cool and cold and lapping at my feet. The warmer it gets the more seduced i become, lusting after the deep coolness of lake water up to my neck swirling around my body. The smell of it can make me crazy. Someday i will live in a shack beside the great ocean in hawaii and every morning i will step out my front door into the cool blueness which is my personal exatcy. Even now i am blessed to live in one of the wettest states in the US. Minnesota is covered in lakes, superior being my favorite. She satisfies my longing for water as far as the eye can see, for fierce storms and glittering sunny days, for the mix of cold water and hot air that fills the desire in my head that sweet and sour sauce fills for my tastebuds. Soon i am going to be there, alone with the man i love, for three days. This thought alone can strike delight in my soul. As i lie here in the tangibly saturated heat of july i fill my thoughts with relief from the heat of the day and promises of our own heat of the night. Every passing moment brings me closer.

lovely evening

2005-07-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

So, tonight was truely a lovely evening. Anna is sleeping over at her nana's house for the first time alone and we're down to 2 kids. It is strange how taking any one kid out of the mix changes the whole atmosphere. I miss her but i've grown not to ache for her every minute. Hey look- i'm growing up!! ( i'm actually not sure who grows more: the parent or the child). Anyway, because we only have the two kids we were able to do something we've longed to do for so long- we went anround the lake with alex on my bike and noah in the jogger stroller and len on scates. We only have a single jogger and alex is the only one small enough for the bike seat so we usually have to walk because anna can't keep up on her bike at all, she's just much too little. Tonight it was delightful and it made me realize how much i'd like more of that. So if anyone see's a double jogging stroller or (preferably) a double bike trailer at a garage sale please let me know! We went twice around como which is as much as len could handle with the stroller- noah gets heavy- and i had a leisurely glide with little lexi in the bike seat. Some time i may have to ride there from our house but that was a little far for tonight. Anyway, it was great. Now lens grilling hamburgers while i tuck noah in bed and soon we'll be set up with a peaceful dinner and a movie on the porch or the deck. lovely. Tonight was a good night.

life

2005-07-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

i am beginning to live in peace. currently my children are a real challenge, but joyfully that fact is offset by our new living situation, meaning that we can put them to bed and then spend a fairly peaceful (even romantic) evening on the deck or the porch- i forced all the windows to open! In the midst of the turmoil of life, i live for those moments that i spend alone with the gift god gave me in my husband. Nothing delights me more. Don't get me wrong, i love my children but you parents know that some phases are more fun than others and we're not really in a fun one right now. such is life. I am however, reveling in my new neighborhood and the close proximity of a million different things. I live within easy walking distance of church, school, target, cub, payless, macdonalds,perkins,jo-anne fabrics, the dollar store, borders,petland,a lock smith, a hardware, the library (actually 2), a million parks, the arboretum, the train bridge ( a noah favorite), the barber,my favorite coffee shop, and so much more. I never drive anymore. I take my double stroller (thanks AGAIN SPF women!!), or the three seat wagon EVERYWHERE! A tank of gas can last us like forever! We reroofed the garage last weekend, and we'll be fixing the window soon. Also i have been rearranging my gardens to my own preferences and slowly i am learning what i like and don't like. It's kind of a challenge for me. I'm really starting to like it. We still need to insulate our attic this summer or fall- before the heating bill gets dicey, and there are various windows that need glass panes replaced, but it's coming along. I am looking forward to the fall and winter holidays in a house that i can be settled in. That thought entices me more than any other- this is a place to grow traditions, a place to call HOME. My life is still a tangle of often stressful situations, some particularly aggravating ones right now, but at the end of the day i put my children to sleep, lay down next to my husband, and thank God with all my heart and soul that finally I am home.

finding something in common

2005-06-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

So, as you probably all know, i have a five year old daughter named annahalle. Now annahalle is a most wonderful and delightful child, but she is also extremely fast, determined, and apt to never listen till it's too late. I love her, but i am so the type who needs to take things slowly because i am easily frustrated. So you can see that she and i have a hard time finding things to do with eachother that we both enjoy because either it's aggravating for her, or for me. Thats what is so great today- a friend of ours (chris) inadvertantly found us something to do together. Last week he brought over a copy of My Fathers Dragon- a trilogy of chapter books rolled into one copy. They are easily read, and have drawings on every couple of pages. The cover was so enticing that anna demanded we begin, and though i doubted she'd listen, we did, and she loved it!! Noah liked it too but anna adored it and we have already finished the whole book. Shortly we'll be on to little house on the prairie, and i'm trying to find my copy of wind in the willows, because it would be perfect. It really is great to have something to really share with her that is a little bit grown up. We always read picture books at bedtime- especially now that we walk to the library- but this is something we can discuss and talk about. So anyway, back to the kids, but thanks alot to chris, what a perfect pick!

much revived

2005-06-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had the opportunity to hang out with some of my most beloved friends. This moring eric called and asked if trav (an old friend in town for a few days) could come visit the kiddos. I invited them to dinner. a while later he called to ask if he could bring chris along as well. ( that is truely a resurrected relationship and i am so delighted). So i was making spaghetti when millers showed up and asked if they could take everyone out to supper. We consented and thus began one of the sweetest evenings that i can remember lately. Nothing could have healed my heart the way old friends and good food could. Trav enchanted anna, chris kept noah smiling, and eric worked his usual magic on alex, as well as the rest. But more than that, dinner was a taste of the way things used to be when rena and harold did what they love best to do and took all us college friends out to supper. The tease and give as well as get, and they've always been good fun. It was great to see them back to thier preferred lifestyle. On top of that, and by far the sweetest part, was being near these three guys all together again. There is a dynamic between the five of us that can't be duplicated. They teased me merricilously, and i them and i remembered what made me happy again. Maybe i love the attention but more than that i truely love them, all of them. They are the ones who have pulled me over the hard times and reminded me of love of friends just around the corner. I had forgotten how much i missed trav and it was really a delight to see him again, and hanging out with chris after a whole year had begun to be the highlight of some of these days, and eric- well he's the best. My husband has always had some great friends and i have greatly reaped the benefits of these relationships. I have to say that i missed andrew tonight but it was a reallt impromptu meeting, and mike- we always miss you way out in wisconsin! But really though, there is nothing that could have revived my soul the way this evening did. I didn't know what would help ahead of time but in retrospect this was the only thing that could have done it. I love you guys, thanks for being everything that you are, you're all perfect. And now i go to finish off my night with the man i love most of all....goodnight all.

done

2005-06-22T06:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's over. we closed on our new house last night. there is no joy and no excitement in this, not even any real relief. I'm still mad we went ahead with it, and i'm sure lens still mad that i took almost no part in it last night. great. i really always thought that this would be a joyful day, but the rollercoaster of past events has been so wild that it's only left me feeling hurt and trapped and angry.At least millers can go back to living their lives normally now and no more teasing about not paying for their house.everyday for a week has been pretty much horrible, and this one looks no better.

at a loss

2005-06-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

The thing about losing your best friend to cancer is that it has reprucussions for the rest of your life basically. when things are really great, and when things are unbelieveably terrible you have no-one to call and talk to. Becky and i termed it "bitch sessions" and i miss them more than anything else. She brought clarity to my thinking that was really valuable. Right now is one of those bad times i really could use an ear for. We were supposed to close on our new house this morning- which is a really messed up story in and of itself- like 3 day notice of closing without even having the house insurance taken care of yet. Surprise! and len missed a ton of work doing the run around. Then last night the same stupid person changed the whole loan around last minute and did everything differently. So we spent all night and most of the morning hashing it out- and came to the conclusion that we should not close on that loan. Of course as soon as we told the loan officer that she got all busy "fixing everything" and offered to close tonight at 6 pm. Now i never wanted to use this lady, and had a much better loan officer to work with but in the end we had chosen her because noone could match her closing costs. let me just say that no amount of money was worth all the headache she has brought. Then when we backed out this morning i called the old guy back up and he was delighted to help us out. But when she started trying to make stuff right we were kindof forced to say we'd go ahead and close with her tonight because my inlaws are losing money everyday we wait paying on the loan they took out to help us sell our old house. Boy is this complicated and i wouldn't do it aqain for anything but here's the thing. when we got the final hud this evening they had simply added another 2,000.00 to our purchase price and re-arranged again.now i'm waiting to close on the loan from hell that i trust not at all and is now going to cost me too much money per month anyway. So i'm saving nothing for all my trouble and starving to death for the rest of my life just as usual. On top of that some freak came racing down our driveway two nights ago while we were watching a mivie on our deck and jumped the fence right into our yard. We had to chase him away so now i'm not even excited to have the stupid house anymore. Now i'm right back where i started, saving no money, and dealing with the same stupid insanity that i was in north minneapolis. Why didn't i move out of the city??? I have no idea. Would it be so impossible for even 1 thing to go right for us? I think that god must have a seriously overblown view of how much of this insanity i can take. Worse than that i'm missing worship team practice right now, which i've been waiting for for ages, and believe me, that's where i need to be right now.

lots of thoughts

2005-06-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have been overwhelmed with blog thoughts and as i've been unable to seperate them out i've been avoiding writing them down. So forgive me if this is jumbled, but i really just need to go for it i guess. Recently i have been blessed with the realization that my own ministry of a sort is beginning in my backyard. I have become a favorite with so many of the neighborhood kids that i have a list of their names, ages, and grades running on my kitchen wall. I have also adopted the practice of having water, lemonade, icedtea, bandaids, and sunscreen all out on my porch table all day long. In particular there is a 6 year old little boy named William who likes to sit at the table by me and help with my jigsaw puzzles. He's really good at it and often finds peices that fit. He also has a profound understanding of matching peices to complex color schemes. He came over last night and joyfully showed me all his things from the last day of kindergarten. He had his crown and certificate, along with pictures and class work and supplies! He was truely delightful and i felt really honored that he was so excited to show me. Most of the other kids are like that too, happy to talk to me and tell me about their days and lives. I feel special being included and have had a wonderful time with each of them. They are also pretty well behaved and i have actually enjoyed their company very much. It has been a joy for me and i look forward to seeing them each day.
Also today i have been beginning to plan my housewarming/birthday party. It is going to be fantastic and i can't wait till it's time. July 30th at 3pm it shall commence and you must all come!! There's going to be a pinata, ballonn art, spin a paint, face painting, mardigras beads, hopefully worship music, food, games, basketball, a huge movie, and sparklers and glow wands. It will truely be a night of thanks and joy. Please pray for no rain though because i intend to invite lots of people!! If anyone has any good movie suggestions, or ideas for other fun activities let me know, i'm totally up for suggestions.

too big

2005-06-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

my bed, that is. When my beloved is gone. It's late and my room is too empty and the night is too quiet, and my bed is too big. I watched Medicine Man without you and now i'm contemplating watching friends even though it's nearly midnight, just so i won't have to face going to sleep alone quite yet. All i can think about right now is how much i don't want you to go to russia and leave me here alone for two weeks. Two days is far too long for me. Please drive safely, although you should be there by now, and have fun. I know you desperatly need this break and i'm glad for you but i miss you terribly all the same. come home safe to me beloved so we can talk each other to sleep reminiscing about our weekends. Don't forget to remember your favorite parts, i'll be keeping track of mine. Actually todays was my quiet story time with noah while anna was in the tub. We had such a good time together, and it came so easily at the time. And then my cuddles with bear after her story time were super sweet too. It was a good night. Anyway, i hope yours was too i you my beloved. sleep tight.

a note about wine

2005-06-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

So last night Len and I made use of our delicious deck after dark. This is something i take great pleasure in but North Mpls. always spoiled it with the insanity of the night. We lit candles, set up a movie (Love Actually, my favorite all time movie) on the laptop, ran it through good speakers and cozied up in two big chairs with blankets, cake, and ...not wine. I am in love with the Lingdonberry Sparkling Applecider cub sells. It's cheaper than wine and in my humble opinion, a thousand times better. Now, i don't hate all alchoholic beverages, in fact i particularly adore Bartles and Jaymes Green Apple and Exotic Berry wine coolers,and years ago at my parents christmas party i had a glass of the most luscious champagne (which tasted nothing like alchohol what so ever (and if anyone knows what that might have been i would love to know), but that could truely be because they do not taste like alchohol at all. I have come to realize that I am 27 years old and i have really no appreciation for it at all. I truely despise beer of all kinds and as for wine, i consider it to be akin to some peoples social smoking: i really don't enjoy it, but i enjoy the atmosphere around it. On top of that wine has always tended to give me a headache no matter how small the amount and how much water i drink with it. On the other hand in college i could drink gallons of vodka and as long as i kept drinking water i'd feel fine- however i hate the taste of it more than anything- except maybe the taste of the rum and mt.dew that my computer guru friends all seemed to like. There are in fact only two alchoholic beverages i truely like besides the afore mentioned "soft" drinks. I love Mikes Hard Cranberry Lemonade, and EricPaladin has some kind of unbelieveably peppermint delight in his freezer! (He has always had a knack for knowing what i'd like tho!) Ah well, I used to think i was really missing something but I have come to the conclusion that I am happier and probably healthier as I am, and maybe i shouldn't work to change my tastes just because of other peoples opinions. So I think the Shirly Temple is the best drink ever invented, so what? What self respecting female doesn't love a good strong shot of strawberry?! I'm still not afraid to explore but i just think I'll probably always come back to this. What can i say, that's just me.

And now... the post you've all been waiting for.......

2005-06-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, i know this is slow in comming but it's been a bit of a rollercoaster and i just need some time to recouperate but here it is- yesterday WE SOLD OUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! It is done, signed and sealed and no longer our problem. I know that i should be wildly joyful but i'm still a bit in disbelief about the whole thing. It's going to take a little time to sink in. Truth be told i was crabby all day today and i'm not even sure why. I've just been so very stressed about his whole thing that i'm not even sure how to feel. I'm not going to say that in retrospect i can see clearly that God had a plan for me, in fact i'm still sitting here saying "what was the point of that??" ! I will say though that i'm hoping for some general answers when i get to heaven. I was thinking in fact , that it might be easier to get my best friend (who is already in heaven) to fax me some explainations now, but i'm not sure how feasible that would be! Really though, i'm truely hoping that Allen ( our buyer) will be good to our house and our neighbors, especially Kathy and Donny, and do his part to improve the neighborhood. He was young and inexperienced, and his yucky slutty (forgive me but it's true) loan officer was no good, but he did not seem to be the type of person who is negligent and careless. I think that he will try to take good care of the property. I pray that he will not add to the sleeze of the neighborhood. I also really miss kathy and i think i probably always will. Not that i don't like my new neighbors because i really do. Anyway----

On to the celebration! We should be closing on our new house within the month and we have decided we need to have a PARTY!!! So July 30th- because it's also the day after my birthday- we will be hosting a giant housewarming bash for everyone we know. All Family, Friends, Church members (i guess i kind covered them when i said friends huh?), and neighbors are welcome. We'll start at 3 pm, grill out and have potluck supper, lawn games, basketball, a piniata and lots of icecream and freezies, music and dancing under the christmas lights and candles as the sun goes down and a huge movie projected on the side of our garage (totally kid friendly) when it gets dark. There will of course be sparklers and popcorn to go along with it! If anyone has any good movie or game suggestions feel free to add yours and for anyone wanting to know my birthday wish list ( which is of course totally optional- this is mostly for my family) i want anything having to do with enhancing my new gardens which i intend to enjoy for MANY years! Everyone please come!! There's plenty of room and at my house theres plenty of food as well! This party is also intentionally kid friendly, because i love kids more than anything so bring them, they'll be totally entertained.

Anyway, a special thanks to everyone for all your prayers and support. We love you all and are so very happy to be a part of this neighborhood. Today is truely a good day to celebrate.

need some cheering up

2005-06-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying to stay positive today but it is sooo hard. I mean, i know that this isn't true but i feel like God just backed out on me yesterday. Maybe he got busy or had other more important things to manage. It's rediculas, of course, and i know it, but it still feels that way. I'm just so very bummed out and frustrated. I'm also really afraid something will go wrong when i'm there all by myself. What will i do if i have to deal with the colapse of the sale all alone? What if i have to make decisions that i know are just futile anyway? I'm scared to be that person. I lean on my husband to help me be strong and i admit it. He's far more solid than i am and we both know it. I won't know how to handle it.

Okay, now this is interresting. I just finished typing that last paragraph when Rachel called to say hi and invite me down to the garden to plant more flowers. Immediatly after that, (like i didn't even get to hang up the phone), Kim called and really encouraged me, and right after that Meredith Beeped in to see if Anna and Noah would like to get together with Lydia and Steven today. Plus the sun is shining and the day is beautiful. Now thats some real cheering up. I guess it'll be okay afterall, and maybe, just maybe, God is not on vacation. Guess i just have to be patient.

unbelieveable

2005-06-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

So we went to our closing and signed everything. It seemed to be going well till our buyer discovered that his loan agreement was not written the way he wanted it to be. Just great. So they have postponed our closing till tuesday. Can you believe it? Len can't even go to that because he's so short on vacation so he had to give me power to sign everything, so now i have to survive closing by myself. and pray that nothing else goes wrong. All i can think is why God why? but i'm not going to ask because there is no good answer for it. Really though, was all this necessary? there is a very adamant part of me that thinks not. Will this nightmare ever be over? I mean come on-what else do you want from me?

take a walk

2005-05-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

If i can, you can! Today i got rather fed up with my never satisfied children and decided to walk to the library. It's only 8 blocks but they are long and pulling a wagon with a combined 100 pounds in it is hard work. I did that entirely to chill myself out after a morning of nothing but fighting and whining and complaining. Unfortunatly they fought the whole way there over who got what seat, and they were fighing on the way out the door over which books were whose. I made them (anna and noah) walk the whole way home carrying their books. I think that probably solved the fights at the library problem, they were exausted. Truth be told tho, although i was angry, i also was so delighted with the weather and my new neighborhood that i just let it slide today. They better shape up tomorrow tho, lest i strangle them in a moment of insanity! A little bit of sun goes a long way with me i guess. Then this evening we took a picnic dinner over to como lake and enjoyed the evening. Now i am really nervous for our closing tomorrow but i think that after that i'll begin to feel that it's real. I can hardly wait to be done with tomorrow.

great day

2005-05-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

So yesterday despite threats of rain from every weatherman on the planet, it was BEAUTIFUL! Perfect day for our BBQ, and did we ever enjoy it. Great food, friends, fun, you name it. But best of all was the sun. I never wanted to come inside, and i would have slept on the deck if i'd been more prepared. It was lovely. Now today looks the same and i'm going to make use of every minute! See ya'll around!

forgotten desires and hidden delights

2005-05-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today my husband inflated my bike tires. Sounds pretty unexciting? Well, my bike has the child seat attached and i havn't used it in a good 4 years. Also anna was a real pest as a baby and made it no fun. But today the sun came out and despite having walked to church and back this morning i spotted my bike and just wanted to give it a try. So off i went with baby in tow and suddenly i discovered something i had forgotten, something i enjoyed once upon a time. It was like re-reading a favorite book or suddenly hearing a forgotten favorite song. The wind in my face and the sun on my skin was luscious, and Alex had a great time too, talking and giggling behind me. We rode all the way to the library and back in just a few short minutes and after dinner we took another ride around the neighborhood. I was afraid she would be hard to balance but i quickly got the feel of it, and it was nothing like the frustration of having Anna on before. She hated it and kicked and screamed and squirmed every minute, but Lexi was calm and happy and we had a great time. These simple pleasures have become such sweet extacy for me, rediscovering them and lighting a fire in my heart that desires to be the happy person i used to be. I have awakened to every possibility- including playing basketball in my own driveway- and it is sweet and wonderful.

movie reviews

2005-05-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Another miyazaki film! We netflix'd My Neighbor Totoro this week and loved it. The kids just want to see it again and again. It's a great family movie with very little to be afraid of so feel free to check it out. The animation and the music were good but the story is truely enchanting. We all loved it. Also last night Len and i went to see Kingdom of Heaven which is about one of the battles for Jeruselem. Also a huge hit. The movie is fantastic and the music is fanominal. We saw it in the evening and except for 1 other couple we had the theatre to ourselves. It was truely awesome and it should really be seen on the big screen. It had it's gorey moments but many times it was just left to you imagination. Orlando Bloom did an awesome job as did the rest of the cast. I found nothing lacking and really enjoyed myself. I also enjoyed a peaceful and delicious dinner at chiante grill with my husband, it was a truely lovely night.

absolute perfection

2005-05-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today was perfect- sunny and warm, but not over hot. My children played out ALL day and finished out their play with a total of 9 kids playing in our yard. I now know all their names, ages and grades and plenty more. Little natalie is super sweet and very intelligent and Levi in particular seems like fun. Max is ultra intelligent and boy can he climb. These are just a few of my backyard visitors. It is a delight to get to know them. We've been setting up good ground rules and so far all goes well. I'm getting more done on the yard- took out all the bushes along the fence today - but digging out their root balls is going to be a real challenge. Anyway back to kids for a few more minutes. have a good night all.

womens retreat review

2005-05-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i guess i could end it there but i'd be doing a real dis-service to so many things Such as carissa's fantastic pumpkin pancakes,or janes unbelieveable muffins, or sarahs fabulas donuts, or kims unbelieveable egg bake- are you getting my point? Then besides the food there's the conversations (on EVERY topic, even the really sticky ones), the friendly competitions (some kind of golf ball toss thing!), the valuable pool of advice on childrearing from really experienced parents, pattie's gardening tips, janes sewing magic, sarahs cooking brilliance, and kims true gift for friendship. Also who could resist bouncing, or sleeping in my case, on a giant trampoline, learning to shoot from artie- the ultimate hostess-, lawn sports, crafts, movies, boardgames played on an antique coffin, endless coffee and cheesecake, and unlimited friendships just there for the taking. But better even than all this was the discovery that Liz had come to Christ, and look of pure joy on her mother pattie's face. That combined with the true peace of Artie's home, and hospitality made for a weekend where quiet time with God was easily aquired and lonliness and stress were not present. Satan was highly unwelcome. This weekend was, for me, filled with firsts and what would have been potentially nerve racking situations for shy me, but because of the delightful company i found myself more willing and openminded and adventurous than ever before. I will look back on it always as one of the best times of my life- so thank you all for all your work and love and effort- it could not have been better!

where is the sun?

2005-05-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Today i got to spend a whole 10 minutes basking in the luscious warm glow of the sun. Then the cold wind and clouds and raindrops rolled in. I had just enought time to mow my lawn before the next liquid dump arrived. Is it just me or has it been raining forever? I don't really know that many rainy day activities and anyway, i'd always rather be outside. Grrrrrrrrr. On the up side i'm really looking forward to the womens retreat this weekend. I'm not looking forward to the way coming home always goes but i guess i'll just have to live with that. I also booked a fantastic room for len and i in duluth in august. We're going to this luscious bed and breakfast room ALL ALONE!!! Moms gonna keep the kiddos for us and we cannot wait to go. Every day and hour brings me closer to it and sometimes, its all i can think about. Then the weekend after that will be the church camping trip which also sounds fun. In fact, it seems as if theres something great happening nearly every weekend this summer. If the weather ever improves it should be a good run. Annas really looking forward to the preschool picnic and the icecream social coming up in a few weeks at cls and her weekend at camp in july and i personally am counting days till the oldie car show, grand old days, and "The Fair"! We're also all looking forward the farmers market trips and walks at the lake that we enjoy in the warm summer weather. I guess i just have to look ahead and remind myself that it won't be this miserable and cold forever. It won't will it?

who's kid is this?

2005-05-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today i took the kids over to rosedale mall to play in the play area they have there. It's a great little spot with a ton of stuff to climb and crawl through in a small space- ie. your kids are pretty easy to keep track of. Anyway, while we were there a little girl no older than Alex wanders into the hall way and starts crying mama. Of course i picked her up and started searching for her mother- who wasn't there. After 20 minutes of hysterical toddler crying and security guards searching near by stores her mother appears out of nowhere totally miffed that someone is holding on to her child. We come to find out she took her infant into the bathroom to change and nurse him, and left the 18 month old in the play area alone! Now i'm sure some of us have had fantasies involving not having to pack up all our children to take just one to the bathroom but who has ever actually done it? And certainly not for some maintenance that could be done in the play area itself. And a toddler???? There are some things i just cannot stand and this is one of them. No wonder they grow up so fast.

meyou

2005-05-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my children unknowingly teach me these profound life lessons. So surprising are they that they cause me to pause and reflect on their relevance. Alex is the focus of the one from today. She is learning surprisingly fast how the talk, and if you're her parent you can understand a fair amount of what she says. Well today she created a new word. I always say "come on Alex, lets go, me and you!" from which she has devised "meyou" to ensure that i'll join her on her next expedition. It occured to me this afternoon that we are very much meyou without the and part. She is so very small and though very outgoing she is still in that phase where they run back to you and try with all the strength of their little bodies to meld right in to you. And thats the thing that got me. Eventually she'll be marching off to her own life- in a flash she'll be off to college or getting married and we'll be two totally seperate people- and i think i'll be sitting here at home missing the time when we were meyou together and it felt like nothing could seperate us. Even with my 3 and 5 year olds we are quickly becomming very seperate people and only with her do i still share this very special relationship that i will always treasure my memories of. Once when anna was just over a year old we were at home together in our pillsbury apartment. I was in the little kitchen area and she was watching the rain through our huge livingroom windows. Suddenly a huge crack of thunder sounded and she tore across the room to me and threw herself into me. She didn't let go and for a good five minutes we were definitly meyou together. I have never forgotten the sweetness of that moment and it still makes my heartache to remember it. So now i take this new word with me on my journey through this life and treasure it for all its worth. Storeing all my meyou memories up in my head and my heart. Someday, i'll have to thank her for that word.

if you think you can....

2005-05-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

A few days ago i was going to annas school to pick her up. As noah and alex and i got out of the car our pastors son raced down the sidewalk past us in the middle of a good relay race. as he passed us he turned to say hi and his competitor raced past. To make up the lost ground sam took off even faster. Here comes the good part- Noah saw him speed up and he took off after sam. There he was running all out full tilt after a kid a good many years older ( and taller i might add) than himself. He totally thought he could win that race and he squealed with delight when he made it to the door and sam wasn't there. Now of course sam was just on his way around the field again but noah didn't know it and he totally thought he had won! All afternoon he was proud of himself. I guess if you really think you can, it doesn't really matter if you do it or not. I'll bet sam has no idea he lost a race with a 3 year old!

chasing birds

2005-05-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

I spent friday at my moms house as usual. While i was there anna and noah played outside in her yard. Now, she is famous in my family for getting birds to come to her yard and the kids love it. Somewhere along the line (probably thanks to mary poppins) they got the idea that they could feed the birds from their hands. Now perhaps this is possible in theory but believe me, i know my kids and they are not prime candidates. I mean, if noah could sit still for even thirty seconds i would honestly be shocked and anna just gets far too excited jumping up in delight every time a bird comes within 30 feet of her. So here they were- they'd squat down and sit still waiting- for about 3 seconds- then , the minute a bird got close (within maybe 20 feet) they'd jump up and chase it. Truely hopeless. This whole situation got even funnier when noah began running full throttle the length of her yard staring at his feet. She asked him what he was doing and he replied totally matter of factly "looking for bluejays!" As if he could ever succeed in that manner. A while later after having seen two cardinals, three bluejays, a crow, two finches, and a whole assortment of chickadee's ( all from a distance of course) anna starts to cry and says "mama we din't see any birds!" Which just left my mom and i in gales of laughter.
But really, doesn't this sound like me? Always chasing something at full speed with my eyes looking the wrong way- when i could and should be sitting still waiting for God to bring it to me. Better yet, recieveing it and not even recognizing it at all.
Now i know that Noah has got no idea how to get a bird on his hand and i'm sure that God can see that I have got no idea how to handle my life, so i guess i'd better just realize that he's sitting at the picnic table laughing at my silly capers and always keeping an eye out for my safety, ready to jump in at any moment if necessary, and always willing to help me if i just turn around and ask. I think about how fiercly i love my own children and rest easy knowing that I can not even comprehend his great love for me. And i think about how lucky i am, how lucky we all are, to have a father like that.

comfortable with myself

2005-05-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I did it! I took my sax in to be revived. I was nervous the whole way there thinking that it would be too old or battered or out of style to be renewed. I was also afraid i'd look dumb and out of place like a real "has been" in a music store. I don't know exactly why i felt that way, except that it's kind of true. I mean, i havn't played the thing in 6 years. However- before i went i pulled it out and gave it try, giving me at least the knowledge that i really do remember it. The sax was totally out of whack, but i wasn't and that was the beginning for me. Well any, i went to cadenza, which i used to frequent on a weekly basis, and i was lucky enough to meet the tech. He said it was a bit out of shape but in a week or so he'd have her playing like a song. He was totally the nerdy guy type and i was immediatly at home in the conversation. It was like awakening to my first love. Walking down the street with my gigbag on my shoulder tripped something deep inside of me that had been dormant. I was a person with a path and i was going somewhere on it- and i don't mean the baby changing table! Suddenly, for the first time in so long i can't remember, i was comfortable in my own skin. I belonged where i was, and it was a natural thing to do. I left there feeling totally elated and ready to charge on with life. All afternoon i could hardly contain my delight and though no-one around me really noticed it, i was dancing on air! I can hardly wait to get it back. Oh glorious day.

finicky weather

2005-05-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year that i can never decide if i love it or hate it. One moment it's lusciously warm, and the next you're shivering and searching for a sweatshirt. You can never count on a picnic till you're having it, and you have to wash six sets of kids clothes everyday. Ah well. So i'm outside taking advantage of the semi warm weather now, before we're stuck inside due to rain later. The radar says it's coming, but my kids hold out hope that it will fizzle out and never make it here. it's a real possibility here in minnesota, especially in the city. All night i dreamed of thunderstorms, but they were only in my heart, i awoke to dry streets and blue skys. I don't know why i dreamed of that. This is one of those days when my heart wants to write but my head doesn't know what to say. I was thinking about my husbands sweet carresses before he left for work, about Lexi skipping her morning nap to chase a HUGE ball across the yard, about how i wish i could take away Anna's sadness over loosing her dog, how i hope no-one else gets noah's cold. I was thinking i'll miss them all when i go on the womens retreat in two weeks, how i can't wait for the oldie car show in june, and about the huge birthday bash i'm planning for july. I was wondering if the weather will be nice for the plant sale at the fairgrounds on saturday (i can't wait to go!), and if I'll like lens friend we're going to meet afterwards. I still havn't figured out how to move the swingset from the old house, or even if i want to. I was thinking how my friend eric is right now awaiting news from the hospital on the arrival of his very first Neice/nephew, and hoping all would go well. I was also thinking how i was both satisfied and yet just a tiny bit sad at not having anymore babies of my own. I don't regret that decision at all, but they were really fun to watch grow in those first wildfire growth years. My children have taught me alot about endurance and persistance and courage. I was thinking that i am blessed even when i feel cursed and that looking back on my life i will not say i can see behind me the path that i followed, with answers as clear as day in retrospect. But i will say that in my confusion i have found solace in seeking the Lord with all my heart. Answers are not what i have found, but my heart has found satisfaction in asking the questions and knowing that someday i won't feel the need to ask them anymore.

seperation

2005-05-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I ran into an old friend at the grocery store. You know, the kind of old friend who isn't your friend anymore. We had an argument awhile back and everyone said that eventually it would blow over and we'd see that it wasn't that important and that we were both wrong a little bit. Well that was a whole year ago and let me just say this. Sometimes we fight for a reason, say goodbye to a longtime friend because our principals can only bend so far without breaking. It will not blow over because we simply don't share the same values. Yesterday i realized that we will never be friends again, and in a way, we never were. I'm not angry anymore, although i stand by my original argument, and i have not changed my opinion. I'm even sorry that he was recently hurt by the person whom the whole argument started over in the first place. But to tell you the truth, as i stood there beside him i realized that i don't know him anymore. A whole year of seperation has left me with nothing to say and no reason to say it. I'm not even sure what we used to talk about before. As I left the grocery store I thought "i guess thats the end of that". It really closed a chapter for me. I still pray for him and when we're gathered together as friends there is still a hole , but as time goes by it really becomes less important. I still want only the best for him, but i'm too far removed from him to know what that is. I guess i'll just put it into Gods hands and hope that he comes to know that love eventually. I pray that you all do.

lost

2005-05-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

i see the sun gracing the world with her presence,
but only the shadows stand out this morning.
In the dark of the night when i yearned only for you
some twisted figure of cruelty grabbed my heart,
made me turn you away.
I felt only my own hurt at your indifference-
only knew my desire for your arms that are always occupied by a keyboard:
in the morning i get dressed around your web surfing,
at suppertime i get dishes out around you and your email,
at night i wait endlessly for you disconnect from that other world-
only to loose you to a show that embodies everything i despise.
I knew only that my favorite place is in your arms
warm and safe i dream of all that is possible with a love like ours.
But late it was and my patience stretched from a forever day,
and long i had waited for you to come home.
I held such desire in my heart and yet still the resentment stole my night away,
left me with only my own shadow on what should have been a beautiful morning,
left me with a hole in my heart and an acheing desire to breach the gap i made.
Left me counting the hours till you come home to my arms,
left me praying that we'd let eachother in
not let another night be lost.

returningto a forgotten delight

2005-05-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

Wednesday i am going to take my saxophone in to schmidts to have it revamped and repadded. I want to spend a few months practicing and then hopefully join the LexHam community band. I havn't played in ages and the thought of getting back into it just delights me. I wasn't going to commit the time to this for a while yet but i seem to be on my out of worship team, despite this not being my intent at all, and i really need something all my own to serve as an adult meeting place and stress reliever, as well as a way to use my own humble talents. Granted I was never a fantastic player, i was reasonably good and i'm sure with a little practice i can hold my own in a community band. Their website says that they have plenty of openings and that the auditions are for placement only, not for admission so it seems pretty relaxed. They do a few concerts a year but not a ton so the time commitment isn't overwhelming either. It seems like a great deal. Also, i wouldn't be competing with anyone, or be upstaged by anyone i know . In otherwords, this is something that would be all my own, and i wouldn't have to share it with any family members. i could stand on my own in that respect. i'm actually really excited so wish me luck! well, gotta get the kids out of the bath- see ya'll around.

this is where i get filled

2005-05-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the Lost and Found concert at Crossview church in Edina. Len and I have been going to their concerts since highschool (or before even in his case!) . He asked me to marry him on stage at one of their concerts at concordia college and we played one of their songs at our wedding. We have been slowly and delightfully introducing our kids to them and tonight in particular was truly a joy. We went early and sat in the front row, and they even played the song i requested- Harken- which was the song we played at our wedding. It was really special because it's very old and they almost never play it- like maybe once or twice. This was a fantastic night for me. Alex declined to cry, and anna and noah even got into it and ended up dancing. I got the info on how to get them to come to our church, which if i could ever scrape up the funds would really be an awesome thing. We ended up sitting next to some friends from CLS ( who do fireworks for our church) and really had a great time. They're pretty good friends with Mike and George (Lost and Found) too. Altogether it was the best night i have had in sooooo long. This is music that speaks to my heart and soul, to my obedience and my rebellion, my joy and my sorrow, my desire to serve and my natural frustration with an imperfect world. This is the place where all my desires are totally satisfied from the quiet to the truely roudy. In one concert I have replenished everything I have been missing lately and the fire has been rekindled inside me. Ever been to a concert where you left just flaming with a passion for something and you didn't know what to do with it? I want to go dancing and dance all night. If i could play guitar i'd sit in the attic and play till my fingers fell off! There is something about me that spends far too much time contained in this quiet restricted person. Something that desperatly desires to be set free to DO something, be something. In the words of Lost and Found :

I WANT TO BE A NEW CREATION FORMED FROM THE FINGERS OF GOD'S RIGHT HAND I WANT TO BE A NEW CREATION GOD'S GONNA MAKE ME, GOD'S GONNA MAKE ME, GOD'S GONNA MAKE ME STAND.

I WANT TO SEE LIKE DANIEL, I WANT TO LOVE LIKE JOHN I WANT TO HOPE LIKE MARY, BE THE ROCK THAT'S BUILT UPON I WANT TO LAUGH LIKE SARAH, I WANT TO PREACH LIKE PAUL I WANT TO LIVE LIKE LAZARUS, PLAY MY TRUMPET WATCH THE CRUMBLING WALL.

I WANT TO TRUST LIKE NOAH, SEE LIKE THE MAN BORN BLIND I WANT TO PRAY LIKE SIMEON PRAYED, I WANT TO BE THE COIN THAT THE FINDER FINDS. BUT IF I NEVER MOVE THE MOUNTAINS, AND IF I NEVER PART THE SEA AND IF I NEVER SLAY THE GIANT, GOD DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH ME.

let down day

2005-04-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

i guess I'm just tired. Too much worry, thinking, moving, cleaning, rearranging, waiting, praying. Too much everything. For no apparent reason i spent the morning crying in my poor patient husbands arms. He was truely sweet to me and even got his mom to babysit the kids for the afternoon so we could get stuff done without them. It was pleasant. We moved almost everything else we're going to take out of the house- one more trip should do it- and got all the yard work done over there. The grass was just getting out of controll. It really looked nice when i left. We also picked up the parts to fix the kitchen sink. It was a busy afternoon but the absence of the kids did wonders for me. Lunch at arbys and dinner with my sweet mother in law and lens aunt were a particularly nice bonus. Now i am listening to children of dune on these INCREDIBLE headphones len bought me while he reads the kids their bedtime stories. If you have never heard this soundtrack you've just got to give it a try. Its really fantastic. The movie is too by the way. And they're teasing me because they can hear me humming even if i can't! The best part of my day was when we got out of the car tonight len sneaked around the back side and picked me up and twirled me around. It was really sweet but i laughed because i caught the old lady across the street peeking out her window at us! It was truely sweet moment, even if she does think we're crazy. I like her anyway despite her constant peeping I think she's just lonely. I brought the kids over to say hi to her a week or two ago and she really liked it. Anyway, i really had a lovely evening and now i'm going downstairs to be near my husband while he fixes the sink. It seems like a requirement that you have to fix some plumbing in every new house you move into! Well goodnight.

can't wait to get my pictures

2005-04-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's ever been to my house knows I'm a photo freak. I love to have pictures of my kids and family on the walls. This was actually the source of the one real argument Jenny and I ever had. She informed me that pictures were sinful because I wasn't supposed to worship anyone but God and my pictures were a form of worship. I informed her that in that case I was also worshipping trees, lake superior, the ocean, any beach in hawaii, waterfalls, and all manner of Gods creations. I am also not the one who left her 5 children behind. Maybe a little reminder of why she loved them so much might have helped her out a little? Anyway when we moved out of mpls I left them all there so the house would still look homey. I have been missing them every day since. Welll, we've got a good purchase agreement with a very interrested buyer so tomorrow I am going to get them. The house is off the market and it's time to truely move home. I can hardly wait. Right now I'm just living in my new house but when the pictures come i'll be finally living at home. Can this be real? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop-that really is pessismistic isn't it? I'm actually afraid to answer the phone in case liz or len would tell me the buyer fell through. I think it'll be awhile before I really believe any of this, it's like a fairy tale comming true.
Tomorrow night we're going to have a bonfire at my moms house to burn all the brush from my house and because she has a fire pit we just really need to use more often! We're all set to roast hot dogs and marshmellows and such and i'm praying it'll be warm and dry enough to follow through. It's always nice to share these pleasant family moments with eachother. They are some of my best memories, as a child and as an adult. Anyway we have to celebrate because my brother drove his self built stock car at Elko for the first time tonight and he races for the first time on saturday. It's been a long time coming so we're just ecstatic about it. We're also praying he doesn't crash! Noah and Anna are thrilled though because it's the start of a summer of saturday nights at the race track for them and theres nothing they'd like better than to be part of Zach's honorary pit crew!
Even better news is that this sunday night is the Lost and Found concert at crossview church. We've been waiting forever for them to come around again. They are one of our favorite bands and not only have we attended a million concerts but we got engaged at one of them! They really and truely are the best and it'll be fun to introduce Alex to them too. Also I think I'm a CD behind and it's always best to get the signed copy! Anyway goodnight all, ttyl.

a word about my kids

2005-04-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

So today i realize that i grouched alot at my kids- i was tired and stressd- but everynight my husband asks me what my favorite part of the day was. Alot of times i admit to fudging, or simply replying "this is". Which by the way is sometimes very true, but in all honesty if i were to really dig into my exausted mind and skip over all the small disasters of the day: poop all over my carpet, ripped book pages, punched faces, crying fits, baby tempertantrums, five year old talking back, ect.,i would ineveitably come back to my kids. Recently I have had this little campaign to think of a response to my husbands question ahead of time so as to be more honest. Today a few particular moments caught my attention.
This afternoon Alexandra figured out how to connect the thomas train together and she spent forever stringing them together in a line on the floor only to sit on the back end of it while trying to add more to the front. She got up and started yelling "oh no, oh no!" Or earlier in the afternoon she ducked behing the arm of the couch and kept popping out yelling "hello" or "peek boo" in turns and laughing that rollicking baby laugh that i will never forget as long as she lives. Noah apparently captured a heffalump in his train bucket this afternoon and carried him all over the house. I petted him and he was a perfectly delightful little chap. Then there's Anna. She started the day by asking to write a letter to Lindokuhle- our little child we sponser in Swaziland (she was born 1 day before Anna)-to ask her if her crops were growing better than the last time she wrote and to say that we loved her. I am ashamed to say we never made time for this today but i will first thing tomorrow. Then she finished off her day by caling me from the bathtub to say "i hope i will still be this age when summer comes. Will I?" Apparently she didn't want to get too big for her pool or sandbox. What a sweet thing. So i guess upon closer inspection my life is pretty darn well blessed huh? And that doesn't count all the times someone crawled into my lap for a hug or a snuggle. So tonight i think i'll just remember to count my blessings (instead of sheep) and in the immortal words of Bing Crosby- and I'll fall asleep counting my belssings.

Sold

2005-04-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Well, we have another signed purchase agreement and a closing date for june 1st. Hopefully this will be the last. I have to say that I'm happy but i won't really be relieved till june 2nd rolls along. Forgive me my cynacism. Thanks though for all the prayers and support- you're all wonderful. On a different note I have to tell you a funny story. Of course you all know that anna's bernese mountain dog died this week. Well Berners are very rare and not often seen. So yesterday we went to mcdonalds before reviewing the purchase agreement and i handed the kids their happy meal boxes in the car. A moment later Anna cries out "he really is magic!" (ronald mcdonald) because there on the box is a picture of a bernese mountain dog! Anna totally believes that he knew her dog had died and that this would cheer her up. The dog in the box wasn't a berner but that did nothing to dim her excitement. Ronald McDonald knew about her sadness and that was enough. She saved the box and won't let anyone touch it. it's just delightful to see the smile on her face when she sees it! Do you believe in magic?

btw- if any of my child toting frinds happen to notice micky d's handing out the berners (there's a new dog every few weeks), please let me know- I know she'd just adore it, silly though it may seem!

waiting

2005-04-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

Well, we decided to accept the 104,600 and counter offer by simply refusing a housing inspection. Have not heard back yet but it's only been a few hours. On a different note- NAUSICAA is AWESOME!!!! Fantastic animation, brilliant storyline and nail gripping plot line. Real Miyazaki masterpeice. I liked this one even better than the others. It really enthralled me. By the way, I SAW IT BEFORE ERIC!!!!!! (I think). The animation is fanominal, i could watch it again and again, and i just might. The kids liked it too and there's only one part that freaked anna out a little but it was just a minute and then all was well again. She loved it. It was a huge hit all around and it makes you think too. I can hardly wait to discuss it with Eric. I am also wondering if Drew and Sherry are at all interrested in Anime films- this would be an awesome projector movie if i could just get the screen up! Any way gotta go but have a good night all!

one more round

2005-04-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Got a purchase offer on my house for 104,600. Going to rebound with 112,000- hoping this number will be accepted. Lets take her out for another spin huh?

seems like i've been down this road before.... hmmmmmm.

In Memorial

2005-04-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today my daughters beloved dog Merlin lost his battle with Lupus and went to join the creator in heaven. I am sure that a God as wonderful as the one I love has created a corner in heaven with every joy a dog can imagine, and that Merlin will certainly be waiting at the gate when Anna enters heaven, but none of this can console my first born tonight. She fell asleep in my arms finally after crying most of the night, still breathing those terrible sobs and her last words were whispered as she drifted off "I wish Moona didn't have to get sick and die, but it's real, I know it is."
So tonight I wish to say goodbye to the dog who adored and protected my children. Who was infinitly patient, always loving and fiercely protective. He was always ready to play and would willingly allow his body to be used as a pillow as the day wore on. He assulted the play house, chased the virds, walked all over nana's flower garden and avoided the pool at all costs. He sweated to death in the summer under all that luscious fur- but in the winter he loved the snow more even than the kids did. I am certain that he would have jumped right on the sled given the chance. Merlin- or Moona as the kids all called him- never once bit or hurt my kids and unlike his rougher side kick, he played gently and was the single most patient dog I've ever met. God designed him to be the perfect best friend and my little girl made the most of it. She threw herself into loving him from day one and has never stopped. He has been her faithful companion, always meeting her at the door when she comes to visit and licking her goodbye when she goes. I have NEVER seen her leave Nanas house without hugging him at least once. I have seen her wrap that huge shaggy animal in her blanket a thousand times and feed him anything he wanted from her hand. She sang him songs, told him stories, and talked to him in his own language (apparently she speaks fluent dog!) She brought him water in the summer and warm towels to dry off in the winter.At christmas time she helped him unwrap his presents and showed him everything she opened.
Today in the quiet of the sanctuary at SPF she asked Nana to put the phone to his ear and she told him good bye and that she loved him. Later when I told her he was gone she wept bitterly for the loss of her best friend. She told me she just wanted one more chance to play outside with him, and help him chase his tail (the only way he could catch it was with her help!). It is a cruel lesson for a 5 year old to learn. I too have morned the loss of a best friend and though the circumstances are much different, the sadness is the same.
So Merlin, wherever you are, Anna tells me that she can't find the stairs to visit you in heaven and it's going to be a long time till we see you again, so this is goodbye for now wonderful dog. Rest easy, be happy, and meet my daughter at the gate, she'll be looking for you.

contemplating my ability to contribute

2005-04-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

So here I am, settled to some extent in what I consider to be a permanent place and general style of life. It seems that I am now finally at a place to start thinking about what I want to do with myself. For a long time now I have desired to share my own God given gifts with the world but because they are not book smarts or practical hands on hardware skills it is slightly more difficult. All I have to give is my compassion, loyalty, and love. How to share these things in a concrete way is not always so easy to see. Recently though God has been giving me a glimpse of the possibilities. I have wanted for a long time to be able to host missionary families at my home for extended amounts of time but do not have the space. We even considered buying a duplex or moving to a big country farmhouse but it seems rather impractical right now. However this week God has sent me a few possibilities through a call from The Dewlling Place for volunterr time in a few different ways. There are opportunities both for providing respite care for children and a need for temporary living quarters for mothers with infants who need a safe place to stay. It would admitadly take some effort on our part to prepare a space but we do have a huge attic which I have been starting to transform into a guest room already. It would however need walls and electricity and insulation. But the space is there. This could be useful either for the respite care or for a mother to live in for a time. I would also welcome the opportunity to share myself with the mothers and the children alike. The possibility of these ideas gives me hope that I can give more back to the Lord and to the world than I have previously thought. There are very few things that I am really good at and everyone around me is far more intelligent but I have been a great capacity for love and compassion and a real desire to provide anything I can for someone in need. My dream is to be able to share those things in a bigger way sometime soon. If anyone has any other ideas I'd love to hear them! Have a great day all, God bless.

Scary moment for Anna

2005-04-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

So Anna's best friend is a dog- a big huge hairy dog to be exact-who belongs to my mother. His name is Merlin and he is a Bernese Mountain Dog. She bought him as a puppy when anna was a baby and they have grown up together. He is the gentlest most patient dog I have EVER encountered. Well for the last two weeks the vet has been treating him for lymes disease and the treatment has not been helping. The only time he has stood up on his own was when anna visited him over a week ago. Friday mom called to say that he was near death with a fever of 106 and almost totally unconscious. I had to prepare her for the worst and she cried and cried. We thought her beloved dog was dying- and he was. However they gave hima course of streroids on the off chance that he could have lupus and made him comfortable. At lunchtime he didn't seem much better so I took Anna to see hima t the vets so that she would be able to say goodbye. Mom and dad intended to put him down that evening if he showed no change, he was in so much pain he could hardly move. But when Anna came he moved enough to lay his head in her lap and wag his tail. He tried valiently to lick her. She brought him one of her favorite blankets and left it in the kennel with him. She told him she loved him and then we had to leave. As a testament to the healing power of a childs love for a dog a half hour later the vet called to say that he got up on his own, played outside, did his duty and even ate and drank well. It was determined that he does have lupus but hopefully it can be controlled now that we know what the problem is. He was able to go home friday night and saturday anna visited him and he was beginning to improve. She put blankets down to rest his head on and another over him and she played my little pony between his huge legs for an hour. He seemed at peace at last. If you have a spare moment in your prayers please pray for his continued improvement and health, it means so very much to a particular 5 year old little girl we know. There are few bonds stronger than those of a child and their dog.

Female awakening

2005-04-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

I have been married almost 6 years now and for the entirety of that time I have either been pregnant or mothering an infant. I have also been intimidated by the freaks in my old neighborhood who only see you naked no matter how much clothing you wear. And they always comment on this. Now suddenly I find myself in a peaceful neighborhood with three children of whom the youngest is 18 months old and all able to walk and play a bit on their own. Also it is spring time- when all girls thoughts turn to strappy sandals and walks along the beach in the moonlight. The possibilities are endless. I have found myself wearing my hair down for the first time in 5 or 6 years, wearing eyeshadow more than once a month, and (gasp) considering painting my nails. I actually shrieked with joy when i found a whole basket of my favorite cute summer tops in the attic. Needless to say they aren't in the attic any more! I have been pulling the kids in the wagon as a way to trim down my waitline and scrubbing my feet with delicious foot scrub- (that you kristy)-that leaves them oh so soft. Worse even that that yesterday I found myself on a date with my husband- get this- wandering around at the mall wearing jeans and highheel sandals and stoping in every store that struck my fancy just for the pleasure of the experience! Is that a girly thing to do or what? The feel of the wind in my free hair is truely luscious- hey, I really like this female thing!

all done!!!!!

2005-04-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

who hoo hoo hoo- rena and i finished the puzzle!!!i'll post pics if len knows how. Yes this is a major excitement right now!!!!!!!

disapointed again

2005-04-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well, as soon as our buyers discovered that they could afford more when their parents cosigned for them they jumped ship and decided to go shopping in "nose to the sky land". Yup- i guess i'm feeling a little angry right now. You see again, i didn't just pray for a buyer- i prayed that God would follow through on his plan for me, but not continue to tease me with things are not going to happen. You know, i'm going to stop praying that prayer because it is a huge waste of my time. Oh well, more showings tomorrow and on into the weekend and lens going to fix the roof too, thank God, before we get into this crazy situation again, or the roof starts to leak into the bedroom. That would NOT be good.
Lord- whatever the plan is- I CAN NOT SEE IT. You're going to have to drag me along it and place my feet one step at a time because I am blind, deaf, and dumb. Please God, Send Help.

seeking prayers quickly

2005-04-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yes I know that God already has my life in controll but that does not mean i should stop praying about it! Liz called to say that there is a buyer who will supposedly be writing an offer on our house at 7:15 tonight. They are not investors but they are having help from thier parents to buy the house. It sounds like a good deal if it doesn't fall through and if they don't freak out at the last minute and never write. Please pray that all will go well, b oth for us and for them, and that they will enjoy their new home and make a positive impact on the people and neighborhood around them. Thanks to all of you who have continued to pray so dilligently for us and to everyone who has encouraged us in this frustrated time. God willing this chapter will soon be drawing to a close. Have a great day everyone- I'm getting the wagon back out!

my addition to the psalms

2005-04-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

katies Psalm

Lord i know you're teaching me to cling,
to have faith strong enough to withstand my battles,
to COMPLETELY depend on you
though i am only mortal and i despise this lesson.
I do not say that i don't need the lesson,
because we both know that I do,
but truely my own inadequecy is heart wrenching.
I KNOW you are always with me, but sometimes I feel alone.
I remember my confirmation namesake Lord- Esther-
and that you did not help her till it seemed truely impossible,
and all to your glory Lord, it was.
It must have seemed unlikely to Noah Lord
that ever his boat would be able to land,
yet one day he again sowed crops.
You let daniel be thrown into the lions den,
moses walk into the red sea,
shadrack, meshack, and abednego go into the fire,
and Lazarus DIE,
before you saved them Lord,
yet they were saved far more gloriously for their immenent peril.
If you had simply pervented these situations from occuring Lord,
what stories of hope and faith would we now have to cling to?
Where would we find our examples in these troubled times?
Perhaps now when my dream seems so unlikely to ever be realized Lord
you will turn your glory to me and make the impossible happen.
Only Lord, what more will you ask me to do before I walk a path of rest?
Do I have my own lions den to face, or has this trial grown me far enough for a time?
I am clinging to a shaky faith Lord
but every day I pray for you to strengthen it, and to reward it Lord.
Lord I have walked this painful road for so long,
please Lord- I am searching for your green pastures
and quiet streams to fill me Lord.
Draw me once again to you
and give me rest.

Note: the fact that my minneapolis house is now missing a ton of shingles did not sweeten my weekend. There goes anna's tuition money.Please keep praying.

puzzled

2005-04-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

For anyone who doesn't know I am currently working diligently on a HUGE jigsaw puzzle. It is a 3 foot by 3 foot national geographic endangered species puzzle in which tons of tiny animals are contained in the bodies of three killer whales. It is not square- the edge is nothing but the shapes of the three bodies, which blend together in very intricate places that aren't really edges at all. It's exquisite and for a puzzle lover like me it's a delightful challenge that i have to pull myself away from when I'm needed else where- which is often. Today as I was working on it I got to thinking about how my life is so much like a giant jigsaw puzzle. Every day I'm trying to fit the peices into the right order- but only God knows what the finished picture looks like. I mean, I check the box every ten minutes to see where I need to be putting things and I guess i just get frustrated with life because theres no box to check. It seems that i keep looking for one and thinking that when i find it everything will be so easy- but God isn't into cheating and it would spoil the finished product to see it ahead of time. I love my puzzle and i can't imagine how delighted and proud I would be to put it together without the picture to refer to- the word extacy comes to mind (yes i'm nuts)- but I have no intention of undertaking something that big and blind anytime soon. But I have a feeling that when i get to heaven thats how i'm goint to feel looking back on my life- seeing the whole picture for the first time, and being truely in awe of the creator. I know that in that picture the tears are as beautiful as the smiles and each moment flows into the next one till they become something truely beautiful- my life. And even if from this side of things it looks like a huge snarl of peices scattered all over the place, from Gods point of view it's coming along nicely despite myself getting in the way. And that alone gives me courage to keep trying to fit the peices together, day by day.

recognizing the assult

2005-04-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

A long time ago Steve Treichler opened our church session by asking how many people had a personal relationship with christ, and then how many people had a personal relationship with Satan. I remember that moment in my life as the moment that I realized that i had the latter far more clearly than the former. I wasn't sure at the time what all this business about having a relationship with christ was about. But I knew in that moment that I had a very personal relationship with satan. He was having a hayday misdirecting my life just by making me feel bad. For years I have wanted to thank Steve for pointing that out to me because that was the day I realized that I could recognize satan in my life and strive to cut him out. Since then I have been very aware of his tricks and seductions.
I have been writing about this because these days I am so at peace in my new home but it is because i recognize his assults and squash them any way that i can. Whenever i get to thinking my house will never sell, or the roof will blow off, or the basement will leak water, or any number of possible things, i realize it's just that cruel snake trying to make me think his lies are just reality. Last night I was home alone having a peaceful time making my new puzzle on the front porch after it was dark and the kids were asleep, and out of nowhere this thought pops into my mind : now that I'm finally safely out of my old neighborhood and in a safer place someone will try to hurt me, or break into our house, just because it would be so ironic.- now I know precisely where that thought came from and I really don't appreciate it but if i simply lock the door and be sensible I have nothing to fear. I just really hate it that when Satan works his little plans they seem so set in stone and infallible- I have to set my mind to not buy his depressing partyline.
However I have found that my whole world is more peaceful and hopeful when I don't listen to that hateful voice in my head. I know that the harder i try to ignore him the harder he works to get my attention but if i just focus on the One he WILL get lost in the background.

meeting people

2005-04-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

it's so friendly here. Do you know that it took me two years to meet anyone besides my immediate next door neighbor in my old neighborhood? And not for a lack of trying. They finally all came out of the woodwork after someone got shot in front of our house. Nice way to meet someone isn't it? Well this last week i have met my neighbors on both sides and accross the street, a CLS family a few doors down, an old frind of lens who has three kids our kid's age two blocks over, a lady and her two children who walk past my house every morning, our recycle man, our post man, and the lady who lives upstairs next door. In a few short days i have become part of a welcoming community. Both jackie and Jane stopped by this week unannounced to say hi. What a delight. I feel like i am truely not alone here. We also walked to target, the playground, and all over the neighborhood. We even attended bedtime stories at the library, despite len having to be at worship team rehearsal. It worked out great and we had a lovely time. Also the house is back to showing like crazy and we had two very interrested buyers and an interrested investor this week, plus two more showings so far tomorrow. I am biding my time and for once, not freaking out. I feel so relaxed and pleasant. For the first time in a long time i am truely happy. The peace and joy of living in the Lord is good right now.Continue to pray for us that our house will sell quickly now, i believe we are coming close to the end of this journey and i am waiting for the day that i will truely be free of it. In the meantime i will rest in the knowledge that God has a plan, even if i can't see it.

loving it

2005-03-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

I've been on a walk- toting the wagon and all 3 kiddo's- everyday this week. Twice on wednesday! It is everything my heart desires. Today my brother delivered an old kitchen table of my moms and we set it up on the front porch. It's a positivly lovely spot. Just right for breezy fresh dinners, afternoon playdough sessions and lazy evening jigsaw puzzles. I adore it. We had peaceful family dinners everynight with the interruptions being from eachother and not our crazy loud neighbors. Monday night len went to class and i rested peacefully with none of the usual fear of my former nights. At night it is quiet and i sleep well. My house is coming along fine and i am beginning to get used to it. Now that it is beginning to look like home it is very peaceful for me. More of an exciting adventure than a terrifying whirlwind. Tomorrow is Easter and we will be celebrating with both sets of parents and mabel and eric at my moms house. The kids get to hunt for eggs and we get a lovely breakfast. It sounds wonderful. On top of that I even get to sing with the worship team tomorrow. Could there be a better day than easter?-besides christmas of course! I can hardly wait. Our old house showed again today and to a few investors this last week. Hopefully something will come of it soon. Also we are praying the good warm weather will bring more people out. Liz thinks it will so I will wait patiently. I am not stressed about it right now, at all really, and for that answer to prayer i am truely grateful. I will ride this breath of air to where evr Asland decides to put me down. Happy easter everyone, and good night.

simple pleasures

2005-03-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

Ah, the good life. Today it was definitly mine. I enjoyed the most pleasureable afternoon i can remember in sooo long. I spent half of it on my front porch soaking up the sunshine, watching the kids play, and listening to the birds (read: not gunshots, sreaming, obsenities, solicitations, or smashing sounds.).Then the best part by far- I took all three kids for a walk in our wagon- in my own neighborhood (no driving involved). i havn't been able to do that for three years, not counting a few trips two blocks to the hardware frightened and looking over my shoulder every step of the way. I can't count the number of times i've been hit on without ever leaving my own yard. I do not consider that a compliment. What a luscious day. This is everything i ever wanted and as i sat there on my front steps listening to the ring of my childrens laughter as they ran about on the sidewalk i realised that even if anna and alex's room is way too small, the wood floors too slippery and the toys too plentiful for my tiny livingroom, it really doesn't matter. I can sleep soundly now knowing my children will not die in their sleep from a stray bullet. If i hear sirens i don't care where they're going and i have no desire to find out. All I want is to live peacefully for as long as possible. Today my soul was satisfied. It is not a perfect neighborhood- i am not as naieve as i sound , but i feel as if i have been lifted out of hell and into heaven and i will drink it up for as long as i am allowed. Thank you God for this, and thanks ahead of time for meeting all my other needs.

moved in

2005-03-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

well, we are now moved in to our new home- at least mostly. We still have buyer for ours and our hopeful from this weekend turned out to be not so hopeful. Still praying right now. THANK YOU to everyone who helped us move and paint. The house looks great and the kitchen will be my last real challenge. We LOVE the new house and it's fantastic close proximity to all of our friends. I attended at lovely hot tub night at janes on saturday and it took me about 3 minutes to drive home. I got there before the windows even fogged up! It also made sunday morning worship team rehearsal so easy. I left the kids at home with len and picked the up right before church. It was perfect. Also, it's a nice old house with a very pretty front porch that i cleaned out today- it holds the promise of many happy summer afternoons. We got a futon free online so now theres at least somewhere to sit downstairs and the new carpet is great. I opened all the windows and the sun just positivly sinks in. I love it. Anyway, we keep praying for our house to sell in minneapolis and are waiting patiently for the Lord to work his wonderous ways. Till later, God bless.
katie

long day

2005-03-11T18:54:00.000-08:00

So today was a forever long day. I loaded my brothers duly with tons of box's, left them at millers, took anna to school, went to home depot with my mom, bought a carpet runner that i'm hoping to install tomorrow, dropped mom off at home, picked up len, dropped him and alex and noah at millers, picked up anna, back to millers, helped pack and empty out their house, went to subway for us and mc d's for the kids, and finally drove home to put all 5 exausted people to bed. I packed most of her kitchen today too! So warn out- but there should be eonugh stuff out of the way to paint tomorrow. more later, but i'm excited as i am tired! good night.

not worth the wait

2005-03-09T13:37:00.000-08:00

Our investor who we've been waiting on for two days offered less than 100,000. Fat chance stupid. I paid 104,000 for it and put a ton of work in to it after that. No way. Anyway, stop wasting my time. Dear God- where is our buyer?????? Is there a good reason for this forever wait?

attacked?

2005-03-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling much better the past few days. It's so much easier to trust God to take care of everything than to worry about it all the time by myself. We even had some slightly encouraging news- an investor said he would be making an offer and calledf this morning for more info to be sure of his offer. Havn't heard anymore yet but they're slow to move sometimes and he offer may not be a very good one because he's used to getting his homes pretty cheap. Still, it should have brightend my day. It didn't somehow. I mean, i started the day pretty optimistic, cleaned house and packed a big load to go to millers house. I met with my carpet man and got the prices from him- not great but really not bad by the way. But the kiddos', especially Alex and Noah fell all apart at grandma's house, and then millers were there while the carpet man was there which I didn't expect or want and the day just got out of control and wild. Alex cried so hard and long that I ended up leaving with almost two hours till len was even done and nothing to do but drive around which of course made the other two kids mad. Despite the Mc donalds i bought them off with it was a terrible ride. Everyone is just stressed and overwhelmed right now and it's a little nuts. Also, millers think they've done such a great job moving out and really there are piles of stuff EVERYWHERE. God help us. Anyway, it was a sucky end to the day and really now i feel like everything is bad- even though that is not the case. i think that stupid mean voice inveded my head again. guess I should shoot it down huh?

waiting

2005-03-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

It's ten o'clock at night and i am waiting for Lenny to get home from russian class. It's so hard to wait but I don't want to fall asleep so here I am. I guess i'm just reviewing my day in my head. An investor wants to make an offer on our house but Liz thinks it'll be too low to bother with. Probably but we'll see. Tomorrow I meet my carpet guy at millers, wednesday they move out. Saturday we paint- please help everyone- and wednesday next week we move. I can hardly wait. I'd also really love to have a purchase agreement at the time. Ah well, it'll come i guess. So i'm just waiting all around. Lenny, come home soon. I miss you. It's late and i'm tired, and so wanting to cuddle. I haer the key in the lock!!!goodnight!

GOING

2005-03-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

Millers are moving all the way out on wednesday. Their house will be empty by the end of next week. Tomorrow we will bring the first round of box's of ours over there. In two weeks or so we will be moving in over there. It's a leap of faith for me but i'm willing to go.The past few days i have been graced with this sense of calm about it and even after coming home tonight and discovering that there was a double shooting down the street from my house today I am still certain that the end result will be the same. Perhaps he wants me to see that he can sell my house dispite all things that truely scare me. Anyway, this plan suits me because we can show the house whenever and it won't affect noah, or my whole schedule. Right now I just dream of being able to spend time at home and this will allow for that. It's scary to leave the house here empty but we'll keep a close eye on it. I'm finally going to be moving out!!!!!! It feels very unreal right now but I'm sure it will be fine. More tomorrow and please keep the families of the shooting victims in your prayers. Good night.

moving forward

2005-03-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am tired of being sad, tired of being afraid, tired of the stress and the worry. I am also tired of being the only person who doesn't believe in this venture. So today i will be finished with all that. Today I am going to begin packing. Rena has encouraged me to start bringing stuff over to her place and I am going to do it. I think that all the fear and doubt in my heart is not commonsense, it's that nasty little voice telling me I'm going to fail again and I am going to turn it OFF. I am moving into my new house, this one will sell eventually and I'll be in my new place before you know it. The God i love is not cruel, he is not unkind, and he will answer my prayers, so Satan- go find someone else to pick on, someone else to drive insane because i'm on my way and you might as well get lost. I told leonard this morning that I was ready, and that I would jump if he held my hand- and he said something that made me truly feel ashamed of myself. He said "okay, but I've been falling for a long time already so you'll have to catch up". How selfish am I to sit here crying on his shoulder instead of joining him on this quest to make our lives better? No more. From now on I will have the faith I have always dreamed of- the faith he has always had. He has been the greatest example in my life for how to live in faith and it's about time i started to follow his example. So, box's here I come. have a great day everyone!

ten things

2005-03-02T16:50:00.001-08:00

Okay okay, everyone else wrote theirs so here are mine,
10 things I have done that my friends probably haven't

1)been chosen as the recipient of the T-CITY attitude award at Macalester college Twin City institute for talented youth. ( a supreme honor and the award is a "Star" magazine, sunglasses, a twinkie, a whoopie cushion, and a party blower!- really it is an honor tho cause only one kid out of 6-700 gets chosen to be recoginized for a great attitude.)

2)had to wait for a moose to move off the porch before leaving the cabin for the day. (yellowstone)

3)had a moose breathing in my ear while sleeping out in the boundary waters. (it nearly knocked down our tent- i have had a little too much experience with moose's!)

4)had a bear eat my tent on my honeymoon. (tettegouche)

5)survived the grocery store with 3 children under 5 numerous times, including first thing in the morning.

6)performed both vocally and instrumentally at The ordway and at Orchestra hall a total of 7 times.

7)Been to niagra falls in my pajama's. (with fellow camp counselors- the car my day clothes were in got seperated from us so i just rolled them up and galavanted around niagra falls in my jammies!)

8)Been to the Red river valley after severe flooding to de-sandbag houses with Operation Hope. ( len swears I came back really buff!)

9)been friends with, dated, loved and been married to the single most wonderful man on the planet over the last 10 years, and recognize that we love eachother more everyday thean ever before.

10)just moments ago recieved the sweetest basket of cheerful things from Mike and Kristy reminding me that God has blessed my socks off!

rough day

2005-03-01T08:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was just not a good day. Really it all has to do with noah, my 3 year old. This whole process of selling our house is so very hard on him. He is extremely soft natured and sensitive. He is also so easily overloaded. He is a kid who can play trains in his room alone for 4 hours perfectly hapily. He prefers quiet days at home with many opportunities for quiet rest and alone play. He also hates to have all his toys put away or re-arranged. Needless to say all these showings have been horrible for him. He can never be home, we're always going, he has to keep his toys put away most of the time and he has to suffer having them moved and picked up every time we leave the house. Oh my baby boy , he hates it. On top of that we told him it was over when we got the purchase agreement on our house and then it wasn't. He has tried hard to hang in there but yesterday he just broke. He spent the day angry, crying, and screaming at me that I'm a liar and i'm mean to him. he doesn't understand whats happening and he thinks it's my fault because i'm the one who always makes him go. He breaks my heart. I guess I can understand on some adult level why god would allow these frustrations to happen to us, but when I spend my days with this little man all i can think is why would God do this to him? All I can see is the pain of this little man who is trying so hard to understand something that shouldn't be his problem. Every time we go to grandma's he asks me when he can move into his pretty new room and stay home a lot. He can hardly wait. Now that they've told him he can live there how could I ever tell him different. What if this whole thing falls apart? How can I break their little hearts? Now there is so much riding on this one thing and the stress of it all is so unbelieveable. Every one has such faith in this except me- am I insane, or the only one with any common sense? I wish someone would pullme out from under this falling bridge. Last night len answered my phone for me and when he got off he teased me by saying that someone wanted to buy the house. It was a joke and i only believed him for a second but in that second the relief began to roll over me. And just like that the fear and stress fell back on to my shoulders like a horrible heavy boulder that I could never lift. I know he didn't mean to do that but he has no idea how impossible this is for me. 99 percent of it is all my problem and I hate it. Why can't we just sell the damn thing and be done with it???

feeling unencouraged

2005-02-28T07:13:00.000-08:00

you know, i think that feeling discouraged and feeling unencouraged are two different things. It's easy to be discouraged when things go wrong for us or become increasingly more difficult. But feeling unencouraged is somehow far worse. As a fellowship of people we can pray for eachother, offer friendship, and help eachother when we are discouraged, but we should try not to leave our fellows unencouraged. It is so important to know what is going on in their lives and to encourage them whenever possible. It's really important that we do not assume that someone else is going to do that for them, but that we take it upon ourselves to do it instead. Someone commented to me yesterday that they felt so unencouraged, and this is something I can relate to having felt at times as well. It is not a matter of being in a hopeless discouraging situation but being in a situation that may be difficult, though obviously not impossible- and having no encouragement to get through it. So often we feel alone and out on a limb but i like to think that friendship is magical and allows us to be out on that limb with 50 of our friends and have the limb be stronger that ever, instead of breaking under the weight. I personally hate to be on that limb but with a hand on my shoulder I'm willing to walk right out to the end. Often all we need to face the most difficult of situations is the touch of a friend- just a moment of encouragement. And sometimes these situations are simply everyday frustrations that grow into foundational problems. Perhaps if we felt we had more poeple rooting for us to succeed, instead of feeling locked in a room all alone, we could find ourselves pushing a little harder to make things right, and closing our ears a little tighter to that soft snakelike voice that we have all heard telling us that we're useless, and weak and stupid. That God doesn't ;love us or want us, and that we sould turn our backs on him. Be an encouragement to eachother at all times and fill the silence with an encouraging voice so that we leave no silence for the snake to slither into.

it got tangled

2005-02-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

At the very end my day got tangled. Things happened, and I didn't mean what I said. It was late and long and stressful and I ran out of patience. Isn't that always when it happens? One minute you have it under control and the next it unravels like a knit scarf, and the strings get so tangled. I would go apologize but this is one of those nights where it's much better just to not say anything for a little while. In a bit i'll go down and turn on E.R. and he'll probably cuddle up next to me and we'll forget it and go to bed snuggled against eachother. Forgivness and apology are not always words spoken aloud, and on very tired nights I have found that actions are far more effective. But at the moment I miss his company. The house showed twice this afternoon, maybe something will come of it? I also saw millers new place today. It's awesome and I am truely happy for them. They adore it and we all know this is a great move for them.Now we just need to sell ours so we can buy theirs and all the peices fall into place, for reveryone. They can't move all the way in till we take their place and the same with us and our buyer, whoever that may be. I'd really like to complete the circle now Lord- help me out here? Oh well, soon I hope. Anyway, I hope this night goes better soon. I have to go untangle the threads. Good night.

coming to terms

2005-02-22T18:23:00.000-08:00

Well, last time i wrote i was pretty angry, and i still am a little to be honest, but eventually I have to bow to the king right? I already know that i'm going to so maybe i'll save us all the little hissy fit and go straight to the submission part. Of course God will take care of me, I'm just not pleased with his current method. But of course I have no idea who all is involved in the master plan and maybe this wasn't about me at all. So I have to just have faith that God will help me sell this house even if it's hard to believe. One advantage is that we can switch fridges with millers now that we're not locked into a purchase agreement so we did that today, quick before we show it again. Now I can have my beautiful huge new fridge from my parents when I move into millers house and we can leave the super old and tiny one here. I did it. It feels like jumping off a giant cliff into thin air and knowing theres nothing to catch you. Faith is a terrifying thing. I am risking my heart and my sanity by commiting to move into this awesome place before i sell my house. Liz is sure we can sell it and lenny has complete faith that it is meant to be. A few years back i would have felt the same but cynacism and anger have made a real dent in my previous optimism. Perhaps that can be remedied but i'm really not sure. For now I lay my life at his feet and pray with all my heart and soul that he'll notice that insignificant thing lying there and choose to grant it's deepest wish. If only I could be sure....but then why would it be called faith?

looking back at the weekend

2005-02-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Well- I guess it could have been worse but at the moment it's hard to see how. The house inspection went okay and we agreed to fix everything they asked for and went to bed celebrating the sale of our house. Saturday I woke up with a new lease on life, excited to begin packing and going headlong into the next step of our move. Then just before anna 5th birthday party liz called- they wanted out- and for no good reason. They didn't even bother to make one up. I cried forever. We could have held them to the purchase agreement but what kind of a christian would do that? If they really didn't want the house I wasn't going to force them. I also didn't want to risk four weeks off the market in case they found a way to get out of it later. So now- back to square one.
Here's the thing- when I began all this business about selling the house I prayed very specifically that God would not tease me or dangle things in front of me that were not going to happen (because I very much felt like thats just what happened last summer). I prayed this every day and when we signed those final documents I knew that anything could happen but i was sure that it would be fine because God would not have actually sold the house just to take it away form me. I was so sure and so full of faith. Well look where that got me. I cried not because the house wasn't sold afterall but because I felt that God had a blatent disregard for my most heartfelt prayers- and a prayer that wasn't very demanding at all.I asked for one small courtesy and he laughed in my face. Now, i'm sure that he must have a better plan in mind for me but if the house wasn't supposed to sell yet then why on eartth did it? I have so many questions to ask when I get to heaven. Guess I'll just have to be patient. Oh well, back to the drawing board. please keep praying for us, we could really use it right now.

need prayers!!!!

2005-02-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

Only have a minute but we have a signed purchase agreement on our house!!!!yayyyyyyyyy!however tomorrow(friday the 18th) is the buyers home inspection at noon. they are very nitpicky so please pray that all goes well and that no major problems are discovered. We'll know for sure tomorrow night. Everyone pray hard, we are getting really close to our desires here!

desperate for distraction

2005-02-15T10:15:00.001-08:00

Boy do i need something to do. Today all i can think about is letting loose, and breaking free. Tomorrow we are supposedly getting an offer on our house, meanwhile two other people have stated interest as well. for Gods sake please let this waiting game be over. If it falls through tomorrow i don't know what i'll do. Go insane probably. If we get the offer millers will start moving immediatly so we can move quickly too. So much is up in the air right now, i need something concrete to hold on to. It's just one of those days i guess. I wish i could jump off a cliff somewhere and fly away from the worry and stress that captures me. I get frozen in fear and i can't decide what to do next so i don't do anything. I wish i could drop all my obligations and coast for a while.
Anybody have a good valentines day? I got roses and i planned a movie and candles in my living room. Unfortunately anna had to interrupt three times and then both noah and alex were up forever in the middle of the night so now i feel hungover without the alchohol first. Being with lenny is always a good thing but it did kind of suck. i mean, i shouldn't complain because i did spend valentines day with the man i love more than anything but i can imagine far more delightful dates than a screaming alex over sloppy joe supper and putting anna back to bed every twenty minutes during the first part of an otherwise great movie (the notebook). I guess maybe i'm just hard to please, i mean theres women all over the world just praying their husbands are still alive in the war somewhere. It sort of puts it in perspective, but theres a reason why valentines is not my favorite holiday.
You know, i really just need to bust out and be crazy for a while, anybody else feeling this way? I'm sure i'm not the only one who wants to just loose it once in a while. maybe we need a party!

in memory of Becky Berger

2004-12-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

WEll, today is my sad day. I hate it more than any day of the year., but somehow it is necessary to observe it. Today is the day my best friend lost her battle with cancer 5 years ago. Barely 21, and full of promise to be an opera star, and then a vocal teacher, melanoma ripped her from the life she could have led. She was everything a best friend can be and we were often inseperable. She knew me like no other, and gave me perspective that i needed. I'm no good at making friends with girls, but maybe because she was such a mixture of femininity and boyish antics i was comfortable with her from the first day, and we satisfied in eachother what each felt themselves lacking. We supported eachother at every step, but in the end she had to go and leave me here and as i stood at her bedside watching her go i knew my heart would hold a small empty spot forvevr, no matter what. I don't know where she is now, she was jewish but only she knew what she really came to believe at the end. So today my candle burns for her, and i compose her this poem before the world, and life, goes speeding on by tomorrow.

In memory of beckers
>
> It's been five long and aching years,
> I've shed so many useless tears,
> wishing, wanting, needing and
> longing to hold the girl I call friend.
>
> Though I remember her laugh, her council, and warm embrace,
> her antics, her jokes, smiles and tears on her face,
> now I'm confined to only dream
> of the wonderful woman she would have been.
>
> So many times I've picked up the phone to call,
> shed hot tears knowing she's not there at all,
> my children's births, first days of school,
> first steps, first smiles, many others too.
>
> When frustrations came and hard days seemed many,
> when a girlfriend was needed there wasn't any,
> but I could almost imagine what she'd say-
> hang in there Katiedid, there'll come a better day.
>
> But in my life I've kept her alive,
> taught my children her name and in them she thrives.
> They know who she was, her ways and her glories,
> her heartache and pain, her capers and stories.
>
> Mandibles guards the foot of Anna's bed,
> lemon bear flies in the mobile over baby Lexi's head,
> Noah loves them both and loves to steal them out,
> racing down the hall with a giggle and a shout.
>
> They call her dad friend and know him by sight
> and in the books he brings their minds take flight,
> her mother is far away from us now
> but I tell them about her anyhow.
>
> How she hosted gay parties and made luscious food,
> how she was also my friend and could lighten my mood,
> how we all used to have such romps in her house,
> discussing renovations and ghosts quiet as a mouse.
>
> Five years her pictures on my piano have stood,
> reminding me often just as they should,
> to treasure the moments we have with eachother
> not knowing the time we'll lose friends, family, or lovers.
>
> How precious and short the time that we had,
> and how deep the friendship thats left me so sad
> as sur-real the moment was when she had just died,
> more so the gaps in my life where I've cried
>
> unable to believe that my best friend is gone,
> yet somehow still knowing I must carry on,
> There is no replacement for the love of her heart
> and i can still feel it even though we're apart.
>
> You'd be at home missing her, i knew,
> just so you know i miss her too,
> I light a seven day candle for her each year,
> and before life goes on i shed my own tears.
>
> When at last it burns out i say my goodbyes,
> i look out the window and see life passing by,
> and i go to join it, my memories and I,
> still hoping to see her again by and by.
> And perhaps we will- her loved ones and I.
>
>

picachu revived?!

2004-11-18T11:21:00.001-08:00

so- today i did a friend a favor and revived an old accomplice of his. A very large stuffed Picachu! He has gotten awfuly flat during his adventures and larks with the "guys". It was my pleasure to restore him to the looks of his better days. A little stuffing, and a lot of laundry detergent tricks, and he looks plump and yellow again.
Yes, it sounds silly but these small projects bring me a sort of pride. I am doing something for the friends who have done so much for me.Anyone could fix Pica, or sew the missing buttons onto thier shirts and coats, but they ask me, and i am flattered. Thanks guys, for making me your seamstress!
I really also wanted to say thanks for all the concern and love you have all showered upon me, you always lift my spirits when i need a pick me up. It is now, and always has been, much appreciated.
On a funnier note, alex just drove a matchbox car up noah's pant leg and he can't get it out nomatter how hard he wiggles! He really looks funny and Alex is laughing like she planned it that way! Sometimes I wonder if she did.
Ah well, back to laundry, and dishes and vaccuuming, and simple service to the Lord.

Special Note:my favorite new CD- Healing Rain, by Michael W. Smith is on sale for 9.99 at Northwestern book stores thru thanksgiving weekend- in case anyone wants to know. hint hint!

searching for encouragement

2004-11-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

Today I guess I just need my friends to cheer me on. It's a low day really. Maybe last night just left me exausted but I feel like I fell short of everything I wanted to be in my life. I mean, I was one of those really smart kids, the ones who are really going somewhere. I was going to make a real difference, change the world, visit far away lands and spread the word of God to the farthest reaches, save the whales in the arctic, or be a special friend to children in cancer wards anywhere necessary, or even sing for the Met (yes my voice teacher really thought I would make it). I wanted my life to really matter to someone, and I was smart enough to do it too. Just not smart enough to realize how stupid it was to think I would actually do those things. Here I am now, a not so great mother to three small children who sits at home every day cleaning the house and sewing christmas presents. Big difference I'm making huh? Everyone around me is making plans and going somewhere, even my husband is studying russian again and will most likely get to go there in the very near future- without me, because I have to be here for the kids for the next 20 years. 20 years of balancing the unbelieveably tight budget, trying to help these kids through school, and hating making the same old things for dinner every night because everyone else at my house hates everything new and anyway, it's too expensive to try the gourmet meals that my cooks heart would adore making. I've traded all my old beloved desires for diapers and potty training and somehow, it's just not satisfying to my soul. Maybe this is what God had planned for me all along, and he has never failed to provide for me, but is it so wrong to want more than this? Is it so bad to desire a chance for myself to see more of his creation, to touch it in some good way? Perhaps I am just being selfish, or jealous because everyone else made something of themselves and I didn't. I don't understand why God gave me a family to go with my wanderers heart. Maybe it is I who messed with His plans. Or maybe I'm just having a bad day.

terrible two's

2004-11-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

So, did you ever have a day that just jumped up and bit you in the but when you wern't expecting it? Well, today was a good one. I mean, the kids and i really had a nice day. Anna went to school, noah played nicely all morning for once, even Alex was reasonably good natured and even spent a fair amount of time smiling- God forbid! Len had class tonight so i picked him up early and noah napped while he had some really good play time with the girls and then we all had supper together. Then he left. I thought I really had things under controll. Alex was due for bedtime, and already in jammas and both kiddo's were clammoring upstairs to get in the bath with the new bath toys Alex got for her birthday (hey, she doesn't know!). So I turned on the water and got Noah in. End of good day. I have no idea what happened but noah pulled his two year old version of jeckle and hyde on me. You know, suddnely sobbing, screaming, blubbering, drooling, hysterical throwing himself backward in a bathtub full of water and his sister, complete fit moment. He wouldn't stop nomatter how hard i tried to calm him down. Even now, hours later i have no idea what went wrong. I finally had to get him out, and lay a screaming alex down without her bottle, and put him in his room. i got him dry but for the life of me could not even get his diaper on much less dress him. Then i had to leave him there naked so i could take care of alex. when i finally got her fed, burped, changed and put to bed, i entered the bathroom to discover that anna was being a whale and her whole "ocean" of water was on the floor of my freshly cleaned and made over bathroom. I got her out. Finally i manage to get noah into pj's and get them up on my bed for story time, unfortunatly noah wanted me to read his new library books but he was so dedicated to anna not getting to hear them that he would start screaming every time i started reading. Back to his room he went. By the time i was done with reading to anna and putting her to bed he needed a whole new diaper, cup, and cuddle. that was at 7 pm. I have been back into his room due to sobbing fits, wet diapers, empty cup, and lost trains ( don't ask) 9 times. I'm not sure he's asleep even now. This from the kid who puts himself to sleep so nicely every night. And after that my Friends season 2 dvd that i waited all night to watch won't play - thank you netflicks-. And the day started out so well. i really hate the bad nights most when i'm unprepared for it. You know, i can handle most anything if i kindof know ahead of time that it's commin. But these nights when i think i can see a nice quiet night alone with my movie and some christmas project i'm working on, that really suck when they go bad. oh well. perhaps tomorrow will be better. But just to be safe i think i'll go to sleep and dream about the rapture!

submitting

2004-11-09T16:37:00.000-08:00

God just doesn't want me to move right now. That is the only explaination possible for our house not selling. We have offered every possible perk, and made it an offer just too good to refuse, yet here it sits. I have decided to live with that fact and accept it. I still sleep far too lightly and wake often in fear at the slightest noise but I have decided to accept that fact of life for now. I am not conceeding, i am submitting, and assumeing God has something far better in store for me if I will just wait a while. So I have started doing the things to my house that I wanted to before but found useless if we were to move right away. I painted all the arch ways in my kitchen blue and repainted the back door and surrounding walls. It looks fantastic. I am going to sopt paint the living and dining rooms tomorrow and also get a jump on the upstairs doors- they all are so very in need of a fresh coat of paint. The yard is all cleaned up and raked, I already cleaned up the basement and set up Lens office, and this weekend we put up all the christmas lights outside- and installed that doorbell i wanted so much. Boy does it look great. Mom and i are going to re-tile the kitchen floor at some point as soon as i can afford to buy the tiles, and i'm going to scrape and repaint all the windows in the spring (they're plasticed over right now.) Also my brother said he'd look at my second garagedoor and see if we can fix it ourselves. I've given away almost all of our baby stuff so that freed up some storage space and also mentally helps me say goodbye to my child bearing years. I shed no tears at the thought of never having to be pregnant again! So things are looking up around here even though i am really disapointed not to be moving.

Right now i can hear my husband upstairs reading to my two older children while i take this much needed break. I was supposed to be at worship team tonight but a bad headache, exausting day, and a desire to see my husband ( whom i don't see much of at all on mondays due to his russian class from 6-10 pm), has kept me home. It's a long drive in the dark both ways and i get dangerously sleepy when my head hurts.

Tomorrow is little Lexi's first birthday. She has to get four shots too poor thing but it's for the best. Probably we'll take her to dinner to celebrate, but her party is going to be saturday. There are fifteen of our family members and closest friends coming for special lunch. I'm going to be cooking up some fantastic food while grandma keeps the kids for me on friday so i can be ready ahead of time. I'm making glazed ham, hoilday dazzel salad, home frozen corn, applesause sweet potato bake, parmeasean twists, raspberry coffee cake, honey wine cranberry tart, and cranberry orange punch. I can hardly wait to get cooking!

Anyway, i better get back to my kiddos to say goodnight, God bless you all.

feeling challenged

2004-10-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

ya know, I think that satan listens very closly to our prayers. Have you ever felt that the minute you dedicate yourself to making a change for the better it suddenly becomes ten times more difficult than before? For example, I have decided to make a point of not yelling at my children as much as is humanly possible. perhaps this was a crazy goel but i really do feel that i yell too much. So as part of my effort in this matter i tried to identify things that stress me and set me off and illiminate them, or at least try to manage them better. No sooner do i make this commitment to the Lord, and ask my husband to hold me accountable to it and check in with me during the day, then all hell breaks loose. All at once all three kids got sick, anna was out of school for a week, alex cut three new teeth, noah adopted a horrible new cry every minute stage, and anna suddenly became very destructive. ( i am hoping that is just a stage too.) now really, i had it easy before i ever started this quest! I was discussing this with Liz and she totally agrees with me, and Len and I have a saying we adopted in our camp counselor years " never ever pray for patience." because it always means trouble. I think that when we pray for things like that the devil sees something really concrete to fire at. I have decided to be more determined than ever! Any way, they are now recovering from their colds, anna is back at school, and alex's teeth have come through. The crying thing and the destructive problem remain with us but i have high hopes they'll grow out of those too. Any way, maybe i'll have time to write again tomorrow. God bless all.

crash

2004-10-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well, today sort of came crashing down around me. I am sure it could have been worse, but it was pretty bad. All three kids are sick, anna's the worst, and it's forboding to have a really sucky cold in the house. They were cranky, aggaravating, miserable, fussy, whiny little kids. Especially Alex. On the up side, I got the fridge cleaned out, the laundry done, and all the downstairs carpets scrubbed ( with my mother-in-laws help). So in that respect it was a very productive day. It was just overwhelming. I handled the kids pretty much okay, despite my frustration and grandpa was a great distraction in the afternoon. Liz called yesterday to say she's still trying to sell the house and she has a couple of possibilities, if we can hang on a little longer. I trust her and I know shes doing her best so i'm trying to wait it out. The roofers will be here tomorrow to fix the missing shingles, but some more are comming loose so I'm hoping we can fix it all at once without spending a fortune. I really need to get the insulater plastic up soon and i want to paint that ugly cabinet in my kitchen, maybe tomorrow. I also have to go anna's conferences tomorrow night. Please pray that the kids sleep and that I do too, i'm unbelieveably tired, frustrated, and grouchy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a much better day.

getting it together

2004-10-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I guess I've been rather latent lately but latency is a drag so I decided to get myself together.i've actually made quite a bit of progress. Yesterday i cleaned out my whole basement, set up my husbands office and got a ton of laundry done. I have also cleaned out the garage and got all the outdoor toys put away for winter. Not to mention organizing the pantry, storing my summer clothes-bummer because they are oh so cute ( a present to myself after losing most of my preganacy weight)- and sorting out the kids closets. Today we surprised my parents by showing up with all the fixins and then makin it. It kind of turned into an impromptu meeting to discuss the plans we've been making for a very special christmas celebration. Mom is hosting everyone overnight on christmas eve for a homespun christmas. The goal is to make as many gifts as possible instead of buying them. We've been hard at work for this since june. It promises to be a really memorable experience. Also today we took went with my whole family to pick and reserve our christmas tree. It's a real beauty and i can hardly wait till it's time to go cut it down. So I guess it was a pretty good day. Also my dvd arrived from net flicks and i got to watch 6 episodes of first season Friends in a row and we're about to put The Day After Tomorrow on the projector. Eric- lens calling you right now to see if you want to join us! Any way, I should go tuck my little tornado in, God bless everyone.

work day

2004-10-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Today has so beena work day. The state of my house this morning was inconcieveable. Really. Did you know that you can load the fisher price tiny tots train with cheerios? well you can and apparently you can dump them out as well! that was by far not the worst of it. I still have a pile of laundry bigger than mt. everest in my basement which i should take car of before our new guests, the mice, get it. oh well, i did get a lot done and more importantly i played with my baby, set up anna's new train for her, set up noahs old train for him and got all three of them out for a walk to the hardware- complete with lollipops for the older kids. And yes, i cleaned up the "rain" in my dining room. The carpet in there is so old i keep thinking it was far prettier covered in colored paper but of course the baby likes to eat it! Ah, the baby. This morning she spent all morning trying to learn to pick up her toys from the floor without falling down- she just learned to stand unassisted-and finally she did it, but she was so excited that she started to squirm all around and fell down. The poor little thing sat down and cried she was so disapointed! Oh, it must be awfully hard to be so small.

Any way, i was thinking about staying home tonight but there is a life group starting up at church tonight that i really should go to. It is something that i really kindof need in my life. Adult companionship. Not that I mind speaking toddler all day but i can't really discuss the debates, or the baseball game for that matter, with my four year old. Besides, it means i get to leave the two older kids at grandmas house for a while which tends to be good for all of us really. Well, i'll let you know if I ever got there later, i should really go switch that laundry now! God bless all till tomorrow.

2004-10-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Starting Out

2004-10-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

Today I am leaving my old life behind. I will trust in the Lord to handle all my prayer requests. That said, i have to tell you about my day. These were my favorite moments: my four year old Annahalle spent the morning cutting thousands of pices of colored paper up, just so she could pretend it was raining inside (because i wouldn't let her go outside in the rain). You should see how pretty my diningroom floor looks! Noah- the two year old-had a terrible crash on his railroad involving a dump truck on the tracks and an unmarked end of track against the toy box wall. It was apparently "berry derious". The 11 month old baby Alexandra stole noahs hot dog while he wasn't looking and stuffed it under the couch. When he realized it ws missing he blamed Anna and started crying at which point Lexi, who loves to see him cry, started to laugh. It's really comical, Now. At the time i was purely frustrated. Needless to say i instituted nap time for the baby and quiet alone time for everyone else. I love alone time! anyway despite a crazy dinner out with a crying over tired baby i had a pretty good day. I managed to go shopping with only one child- Noah- who was very well behaved, due to a train he played with near me, and i finished all my fall clothes shopping except socks for Lexi which she hates anyway. I did buy her a bunch of footie outfits for obvious reasons. Anyway, there is a storm in the bathtub and noah is drowning- or at least it sounds like it! Gotta go call out the coast guard- and the maid to mop the floor ( i wish). Have a good night and till tomorrow- god bless.